Is your child using a language of diagnosis to describe everyday experiences?
What’s in a name?
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Young people are steeped in a culture where we are equating distress and a mental health concern. These are not the same thing. And then what happens is they start to use a language of diagnosis to describe everyday experiences.
Dr. Lisa Damour
Have you noticed young people are self-diagnosing more than ever? Thanks to mental health advice on social media - some helpful and some decidedly not - and the onslaught of unreliable voices online, the everyday experiences of being an adolescent may be inappropriately labeled as “mental illness.”
Now, of course, teenagers do suffer from real mental health concerns. BUT, this week on the Raising Good Humans Podcast, friend and colleague, Lisa Damour, and I discuss how not every normal occurrence in adolescence rises to the occasion of concern.
On a good day, under the best conditions, across all generations, being a teenager is hard. Raising teenagers is hard.
Dr. Lisa Damour
Being a teenager has always been hard. It is a time of tremendous change, and change is a pathway to anxiety and fear (as well as growth). But what is it about this moment in time that makes us think that all of the changes our teens are going through (and have gone through for many generations) rise to the occasion of diagnosis?
One of the changes is the willingness with which adolescents talk about mental health. While this new acceptance is a great thing - breaking down stigmas and allowing more teens to access help - it is also clear that many young people are confusing mental health with being happy. As Lisa says, “Mental health is not about feeling good, it's about having feelings that fit the situation and managing those well.” Feeling nervous about a test, feeling sad if your parents are splitting up, feeling lonely when friendships go off the rails, all signs of a normal teenage experience, and not necessarily a mental health concern.
Another factor is the rise of social media advice around mental health. Anyone and everyone - with or without credentials - can offer teens advice and treatment suggestions. We know that in this stage of development, teens can be especially vulnerable to the influences they see and hear online. That’s why it is important for us to intentionally help our teens assess whether or not a source is reliable. Helping them to evaluate the content is an important part in supporting their overall wellness and development.
So what should parents do when our children (big or small) announce that they believe they have a diagnosis like depression or OCD?
Listen. Our gut response can be to dismiss these statements quickly. Don’t. Make space for your child to talk to you and remember that the easier you are to talk to, the more your children will continue to confide in you.
Get curious. Ask your child, “Tell me why you would say that?” and lead with curiosity. Give your child the space to tell you how they came to this conclusion and what they are noticing or feeling. This means you also have to be open to the idea that your child has identified something about themselves that could require more follow-up.
Reassure. Let your child know that no matter what they are feeling, you are there to help them. Lisa suggests starting with the statement, “I have good news.” Then you can say, “I have good news, there is treatment to make this better,” or, “I have good news, you don’t have XX, but we can work through what you are thinking.”
Get support. If you think your child does need help with symptoms they are experiencing, reach out to your pediatrician or primary care provider and ask for a referral. Getting your child a high quality evaluation by a trained professional is an important next step. While finding someone can be hard and take time - there are well trained, experienced, and truly gifted providers out there to help.
Access resources. The majority of adolescents will not need referral and evaluation. Instead, those families need the type of resources available on Dr. Damour’s amazing website. If you haven’t checked it out, do so today.
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Thank you for the article. Sadly that language has become vogue. As children we all grow up in different fish bowls and it's hard, as teens, to understand life outside it.
I tell my students I'm pretty sure every teen looks at their parents at least once and says, "You'll never understand me." It's like they don't believe WE were once teens...