Is Santa Real and Other Holiday Challenges

Tackling tough questions around the holidays

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Photo by Jesson Mata on Unsplash

In the current episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast this week, I’m revisiting a conversation with Drew Barrymore. In this episode, we delved into practical tips for navigating the holidays with intention, and fostering a sense of gratitude and generosity in our children.

Here are a few top takeaways from our conversation…

Tackling Tough Questions: The Santa Claus Conundrum

“If we are not thinking of Santa or the Tooth Fairy as lying to our kids, but actually just promoting their sense of magic before that ends, then you can really help kids believe in goodness, and joy, and have a great experience.” Dr. Aliza Pressman

One of the most common dilemmas parents face during the holidays is how to handle the "Is Santa Claus real?" question. When this inevitable question falls out of your child's mouth, don’t focus on truth or lies, but on nurturing a sense of magic and wonder. Instead of viewing their belief in Santa as a deception, consider it as a way to promote imagination, and the belief in possibilities. It is normal for young children to believe in magic - and it brings tremendous joy. As children grow older, and they naturally transition from magical thinking to a more scientific understanding of the world, it may be time to talk about the magic behind Santa, but be sure that they actually want to know. Try asking, “What makes you ask that?,” or, “Do you think he’s real?” before you jump into a long explanation. Younger children may simply need reassurance and a bit of playful mystery. You can try saying something like, “Well, let’s see what happens to our cookies tomorrow,” to find a fun way to reassure them. For older children between 8-11, they often ask because they want to continue to believe, and are seeking your permission to do so. This is when you might say, “I believe in Santa and the magic of Christmas” to give them the space to do the same. Or, if you know that they are asking for the truth and to explain Santa, you can say something like, “Santa may not be real, but the wonder and magic of Christmas is part of our tradition, and we will keep that alive no matter what.” The key is to guide kids through this transition with sensitivity, and with your own sense of magic, too. Open conversations about the spirit of giving and the importance of traditions is also helpful to bolster this idea.

Getting Rid of the Spy: Reframing the Elf on the Shelf or the Mench on the Bench

“Having an Elf on the Shelf who is watching your child’s behavior and reporting back to Santa is extraordinarily difficult while also trying to teach your kids that their behavior does not constitute their character.” Dr. Aliza Pressman

The Elf on the Shelf tradition can be problematic when trying to genuinely teach our children about kindness and gratitude. The concept of the Elf watching and reporting back to Santa creates a temporary and external motivator for good behavior, focused on avoiding punishment rather than fostering genuine kindness. This conflicts with the goal of instilling intrinsic goodness, and year-round positive behavior. Additionally, labeling children as "naughty" or "nice" can be harmful, as it focuses on their attributes rather than addressing specific behaviors. All our children are “good,” even if their behaviors are “naughty.” Plus, the arbitrary nature of the elf's rules and the lack of explanation behind them can also be confusing for children. In general, we work towards explaining our thinking to children, and providing reason and logic to how and why we have certain limits. What to try instead? Create a Gratitude Elf that you all talk to, and share a message of gratitude with, everyday. Or simply recreate the Elf to be a friendly visitor who reminds you to embody the holiday spirit, and skip the informant for Santa part.

Cultivating Gratitude: Beyond Materialism

“If you want your child’s holiday memories to be around growing kindness, you can make this very materialistic time of year about gratitude.” Dr. Aliza Pressman

The holidays often become synonymous with gift-giving and receiving. While presents are a fun part of the celebration, it's crucial to emphasize gratitude and appreciation beyond material possessions. One of my favorite gratitude activities involves creating a "gratitude tree" where family members can write down things they're thankful for each day. This simple activity encourages reflection, and helps shift the focus from "what I want" to "what I have." Remember, gratitude doesn't have to be profound. Children might express appreciation for ice cream or a favorite toy, and that's perfectly okay. It's the practice of recognizing and acknowledging blessings that matters. Try having your children write Santa letters that list things they are grateful for instead of things they want. Gratitude is contagious.

Kindness All Year Round

“What I want for my kids is for them to know the magic of how good it feels to care about people.” Drew Barrymore

The spirit of giving and kindness shouldn't be confined to the holiday season. We can encourage acts of generosity throughout the year by involving children in charitable activities where they see acts of kindness. Drew is passionate about local food banks and shelters, and a series of organizations she names in the episode that are worth checking out (Baby2Baby, Stockings with Care, and Toys for Tots). Even simple acts like writing thank-you notes to your mailman, or donating toys to a friend or sibling can count. And they need to happen outside of this one month of the year. For the message to really be about kindness, we need to make sure we model this behavior throughout the year. Have your children regularly write thank you notes, give to others, and participate in the community and with causes they care about. Remember, actions speak louder than words. By actively participating in acts of kindness, we model the behavior we want to cultivate in our children. We don’t do this for their recognition or approval, but because it seeps into the soil of our family.

Creating Meaningful Traditions: Beyond the Commercial Hype

“I try to build my kids so that they will want to do things rather than have things.” Drew Barrymore

The holidays are steeped in traditions, but it's important to ensure that these traditions promote connection and meaningful experiences rather than focusing solely on material possessions. Whether it is creating lasting memories through shared experiences, like crafting homemade gifts, embarking on family adventures, or simply spending quality time together, traditions foster a sense of belonging and create cherished moments that children will carry with them throughout their lives. The "perfect" holiday doesn't exist. For anyone. Embrace the imperfections, focus on connection, and create traditions that are unique and meaningful to your family.

Fostering Resilience: Navigating Imperfect Holidays

“We are all trying to figure out how to balance magic-making with having grounded children who are resilient, kind, and thoughtful. And that is no easy task.” Dr. Aliza Pressman

The holidays can be stressful and overwhelming, and it's essential to acknowledge that things won't always go according to plan. We all go into holidays with our own anxieties and feelings of inadequacy. It's important to remember that it's okay to let go of expectations, and embrace all that we have in front of us. Focus on creating a warm and loving environment where children feel safe and supported. By fostering open communication and allowing for flexibility, we can help our children navigate the ups and downs of the holiday season and build resilience.

The holidays offer a unique opportunity to instill values of kindness, gratitude, and generosity in our children - but this work continues all year long. Skip the pressure of one month of this effort, and remember that the journey of raising good humans is a continuous one. The holidays are just one chapter in this beautiful story.

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