Instead of Resolutions, Try for Intentions

A Scientific Approach to a Fresh Start

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2025 is here. Whoa. As the calendar flips to a new year, we often find ourselves caught in the whirlwind of New Year's resolutions. Lose weight, exercise more, save money – become a perfect parent - and the list goes on. But studies show a staggering 80% of these resolutions crumble by February. So, why do we set ourselves up for this annual cycle of ambition and disappointment?

It's time to ditch the rigid, outcome-oriented resolutions and embrace the power of intentions. This shift isn't just semantic; it's rooted in neuroscience and psychology, offering a more sustainable and fulfilling path to personal growth. And for parents, it presents a unique opportunity to reset and rejuvenate their relationships, fostering deeper connections and greater harmony within the family.

The Science of Intentions

While resolutions focus on a specific, measurable goal, intentions delve deeper, focusing on why you want to achieve something. They tap into your core values and motivations, creating a powerful internal compass that guides your actions.

Here's how the science backs it up:

• Neuroplasticity: Your brain is incredibly adaptable. By setting clear intentions and focusing on the desired feelings and values, you create new neural pathways that support your desired behaviors. This rewires your brain for success, making it easier to align your actions with your goals.

• Goal-Directed Behavior: Intentions activate the prefrontal cortex, the brain's executive control center responsible for planning, decision-making, and working memory. This focused activation helps you prioritize actions that align with your intentions, increasing your chances of follow-through.

• Intrinsic Motivation: When your goals are rooted in your values and desires, you tap into intrinsic motivation, the driving force that comes from within. This type of motivation is far more powerful and sustainable than external pressures or rewards.

Let's say your resolution is to "yell less." This is a specific goal, but it lacks the "why." An intention-based approach would be, "I want to feel better about my relationship with my child and set a better example by handling hard moments in a calm way." This connects the goal to your values (connection, regulation) and focuses on the process rather than just the outcome.

Setting Intentions as a Family

The beauty of intentions is that they can be incorporated into every facet of your life, including your family dynamic. Involve your children in the process of setting intentions for the new year. This not only teaches them valuable life skills, but also strengthens family bonds, and creates a shared vision for the year ahead.

Here are some tips for setting intentions as a family:

1. Create a space of ease. Dedicate some quiet time as a family, free from distractions. All opinions and thoughts are welcome. Judgement and blame is not. Reflect on the past year, and discuss the highs and lows. What are you grateful for? What lessons have you learned? What do you want to carry forward into the new year? Focus on family values and discuss what's important to you. Kindness, compassion, creativity, adventure? Let these values guide your intentions.

2. Focus on small, manageable changes. Instead of trying to change everything at once, start with small, achievable goals. Break down larger goals into smaller steps. Remember, progress takes time and practice. Encourage everyone to choose one or two intentions that resonate deeply. Frame them in positive language, focusing on what you want to cultivate rather than what you want to avoid.

3. Plan ahead and anticipate obstacles. Think about potential challenges and create strategies to overcome them. Resistance? Frustration? Stress? Think through what conditions get in the way of achieving your goals and plan for them. Intention setting allows for the realities of life and LOTS of redos.

4. Practice self-compassion. Develop a compassionate statement to repeat to yourself when you face setbacks. Show yourself grace and forgiveness. This is a process, and the journey is much more important than the destination.

5. Have everyone write a letter of intention. As a family, write down your intentions for the year. This could include things like having more family dinners, listening to each other more, or giving more hugs. Decide whether to share your letters or keep them private.

6. Model setting intentions for your kids. Show your children how you set your own intentions, and help them think about one new thing they can try. This could be something simple like helping with chores or staying calm when it's time to turn off the TV. Remind your family of your own intentions often, practice forgiveness, and model a re-start whenever you need one. Revisit your intentions regularly, discuss your progress, celebrate successes, and adjust your approach as needed.

Setting intentions relies on practicing the “redo.” Calling for a redo is essentially hitting the reset button. It's acknowledging that things didn't go as planned, and offering yourself and your child a chance to approach the situation with a fresh perspective. It models accountability and a growth mindset by showing that we all make mistakes. By calling for a redo, you demonstrate that it's okay to acknowledge imperfections, and strive for improvement. This encourages your child to embrace challenges and learn from their own missteps.

Redos also provide an opportunity to regulate emotions and practice self-control. When you take a pause and call for a redo, you're demonstrating emotional intelligence in action. This helps your child develop their own emotional awareness and learn healthy coping mechanisms. A redo also allows the opportunity for repair (one of the 5 R’s). Calling for a redo provides an opportunity to repair any damage and move forward in a positive direction. It's a chance to reconnect, apologize, and reaffirm your love and commitment.

How to do it:

• Acknowledge the misstep: "Oops, I handled that poorly."

• Take responsibility: "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't fair to you, and it was about my own bad day."

• Express your intention: "Let's try that again. This time, I'll try to stay calm."

• Invite collaboration: "Can we work together to find a solution?"

• Offer a clean slate: "Okay, let's move on and start fresh."

This New Year, let's move beyond the fleeting promises of resolutions and embrace the transformative power of intentions.

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