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Parents of teens (like me) are so often overwhelmed by the news, the fears, the daily assault of raising a young adult in this world. It feels different somehow, and harder. But does it have to be? If we get into it and look at how our teens are coping, is it the same tried and true experience of being an adolescent?
As we discuss on the latest episode of Raising Good Humans podcast, though the worry and fear on the part of parents may feel endless, we actually have lots of valuable tools to support our teens.
Here is a breakdown of strategies from our conversation (for more, check out Lisa’s new book):
Explore ways they are getting relief. Instead of focusing on our children’s distress, we need to look at how they are coping. It can be so easy for us to get stuck in the distress, in the challenge of intense sadness or anger, that we stop assessing the bigger picture. Our children are going to feel intense distress (remember, teenagers feel both the highs and lows of emotions intensely), but how they find relief is MUCH more telling for their overall mental health. Instead of asking, “Why are they so upset?” we can ask, “How are they getting relief?” If they are getting relief through outlets that cause no harm, like music, journaling, talking, art, exercise, distraction, etc. we can take comfort that they are finding ways to feel better that are healthy and adaptive. If they are getting relief from behavior that causes harm to themselves or others, from substance use, intense denial, irritability, or something that interferes with their ability to function, then we know there is cause to be concerned.
Let them decide the timing and agenda. When we can resist the urge to control the agenda, our teens are more likely to open up. Unfortunately, the beautiful and well planned conversation we have in mind for dinner, or the meaningful lesson we are ready to teach after school, may not match our child’s needs. Perhaps they processed a ton at school already and need a break from their emotions? Maybe they want to control the timing and agenda for the talk, or maybe they need some sleep or a snack? Often, our teens wait until we are in bed, already done for the day, past our well planned arguments, and without the energy to deep dive, to tell us what is going on with them. While it may not feel good (sleep is such a priority for all of us, as it should be), when we can understand our teens' timing and be available on their terms, we want to try to be ready.
Hold off on talking if it isn’t productive and helpful. Talking isn’t always the solution we think it will be. Co-rumination is when talking moves from being helpful and liberating, to spinning our wheels and making us feel worse right alongside our kid. Teenagers (especially girls) are at risk for rumination, and we may accidentally be enabling them. Look out for times when your teen retelling or revisiting the same distress over and over again in one conversation isn’t helping, but instead causing harm. Even though it may feel good that they are expressing themselves, watch out for contributing to this dynamic. Try to break this cycle by suggesting that they take a break from thinking about their distress, distract themselves for a bit, and then return to the discussion if they need to. You can even set aside a 5 min “spinning out” journal entry. Then they can come back to talking about all their worries in a half hour, but putting it on paper and stepping away can interrupt rumination.
Seek help if you need it, even without your teen on board. Getting help from a clinician does not mean you have to force your child to attend. As we discussed, many clinicians will work with parents on how to support their teens with concerning behavior. That may include helping with strategies to lead a teen to help themselves, but can also be hugely beneficial in offering parents tools to support teens at home.
Keep our own reactions in check. While we can panic on the inside, showing our children that we can sit with their distress, with the intensity of their emotions, is an important comfort to them. Children don't know how big feelings can get in this world until they're experiencing them, but adults do. If we can sit with them through challenging feelings without panic, it can serve as tremendous comfort, just as it did when they were toddlers. The concept of social referencing, looking to a trusted adult to see whether something is safe or dangerous, never ends. Like a toddler with their scraped knee on the playground, teens are looking to us to gauge whether what they are experiencing is normal or scary.
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Love the focus on their coping and resilience. And keeping our own reactions in check.