How to Manage Group Chats

A Beginners Guide to Socializing With Screens

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After the experience many of us shared during COVID lockdowns, chances are you’ve come to understand your child’s device as both a lifeline AND a live grenade. We all share mixed feelings about the many benefits of helping our children to maintain social connections with friends and loved ones, and the very real (and very well documented) dangers around social media.

One topic that comes up often is the murky territory of group chats for the pre-smart phone set. For many young children (as early as 2nd or 3rd grade), group chats are a first way to “talk” to friends outside of the classroom. And while there are plenty of understandable joys in these types of conversations, there are also opportunities to help our children learn how to manage social interactions on devices in a safe and healthy way. Though they may want to be independent and “grownup,” remember that creating and maintaining limits helps our children grow new skills.

1. Set expectations. 

   • Let your child know that you will be reading and monitoring messages (and prepare to actually do it!). You are not going to read every word and every moment, but periodically check, and then give your child more space with age and increasing skill. 

   • Explain to your child that you expect them to act via chat the same way they would in person. That means leading with kindness, and treating others in a way that is appropriate, respectful, and positive.

   • Agree to discuss any content that concerns you with your children first, not with others, as long as everyone is safe. Explain to your child that you will have to disclose to other adults if someone may be harmed, or if there is any indication that another child is unsafe or in danger.

2. Promote the pause.

   • As with many moments, use this one to teach important self regulation skills. Try working with your child to resist the urge to respond right away. Focus on helping them to read a message, take a beat, walk away, and then return to respond when they’ve had a chance to think.

   • Set limits around checking and responding time. For example, maybe you allow your child 15 minutes after school to read the chat, and then 15 minutes after homework is finished to respond. You can come up with timing that makes sense for your child and your family, keeping in mind that meal time and bedtime are not the ideal moments to be on screens. 

3. Focus on choices.

   • When children feel empowered to make choices they often act with better insight and judgment. Talk about your child’s choice around what material they give others (i.e. their messages, photos, videos, etc.) and how little control they may have over how that material gets used. 

   • Be clear about choices around privacy, and offer your child the information they need to decide what and how to share information. 

   • Remind your child that they have the choice to leave a chat anytime it is harmful, negative, or causing distress. Teach them to check in with their gut, or “red flag feelings” as labeled by commonsense.org.

   • When the choice to leave a chat feels hard, let your child know they can always blame you to save face with their friends.  

4. Learn to “read” people.

   • Tone and meaning can be VERY hard to determine in chat. Help your child to think through the many possible meanings of messages they receive (check out this example from reconnect-families.org) and how to avoid misinterpretation.

• Suggest using emojis to help kids when they can’t think of an appropriate response. Emojis can be more universally understood and reduce the pressure to find the perfect response when messages are unclear.

5. Use the chat as a platform to start the conversation.

   • Reading your child’s chat can help you to understand a lot about their social experience. Take what you learn - good and scary - back to your child for discussion. Ask them about things that were said, how they feel about others' responses or shares, and how they think the chat is going. Help them to see patterns in others’ behavior, take perspective, and gain new skills in managing and negotiating friendships.

   • As mentioned earlier, keep what you see between you and your child, unless there is a safety concern that requires the school or other parents to be notified. Sharing this experience can actually bring you closer if you let it!

   • Join in the texting fun, and try sending your child a message on occasion. This way you are not just playing the guard, but are enjoying a new way of communicating with your child. 

   • If things aren’t going well for you and your child, remember that there is room to grow and learn. You can always decide that you misinterpreted their readiness and remove the privilege of group chats if your child can’t handle it. Don’t make it a punishment, but instead a lesson on practice and patience. Take a break and try again when some time has passed and your child's skills have grown.