How Should I Respond?

I’m answering listener questions

Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack. Please consider a paid subscription to support this work and get access to my invite only Ask Me Anything Parent Group at the end of every month. Paid subscribers will also get a preview of my new book, and the chance to participate in a book club in the Fall. Founding members on Substack also receive a private 1:1 consultation with me, where we can focus on any of the issues that matter most to you.

Photo by Loegunn Lai on Unsplash

“Good morning, I was listening to Season 3, Episode 14. I have a 16 month old boy and this podcast really resonated with me about providing space for boys to feel emotions other than anger and “okay.” The guest speaker was talking about the playground and how parents are quick to tell their sons they are okay and brush it off… This made me think back to a previous podcast guest, who was talking about toddlers and how when they fall and look to you for a reaction, your reaction impacts their response. My son runs and falls all the time. I am there for him, I try not to gasp or make a big deal out of it, and I am trying to get in the habit of asking “Are you okay, was that painful, scary or both?” but now I am a little confused. How should I respond?”

Thank you for this question. It is so important for us to recognize when the guidance we are hearing feels confusing, and when something doesn’t feel right about a strategy that we are trying. What you are describing is a scene we all know so well. We want to show our children that all feelings are OK and also walk the fine line of telling them how or what they may be feeling.

Social referencing refers to the idea that children look to adults to interpret the world, to see whether something (or someone) is safe or dangerous. This is why our children look to us when they fall down to see how we react. If we look scared or upset, they will likely sense that there is something to be upset about. If we stay calm, they have a chance to gauge their own reaction and not just adapt ours.

As caregivers, we always want to take a moment - and a breath - to regulate our own emotions in order to avoid transferring them to our child. Can we take a second to gain calm in order to share that regulation with our child? Or to make space for our child to make their own decision on how to feel and react? In a quick moment like a fall on the playground, this is hard. But the urge to name our child’s emotions is also something we want to pay attention to. We don't always know how our children are feeling and we don’t want to project our own assumptions onto them. Feeding them choices, like sad or angry, can increase the chance that our child reacts to what we said and not what they experienced. 

Next time your son has a routine fall (and you know he is not hurt), try thinking about giving him a supportive and loving look, and then being open to whatever his reaction is. You can be available and supportive to him without asking him what he is feeling or projecting your feelings, or possible reactions onto him. Perhaps you say, “Hi buddy” or just simply “Oops” when you go to help him up, and just let him know physically that you’re there if he needs you. Then you can assist him in whatever his reaction may be - whether laughing together and dusting him off, or hugging through some tears. If he is upset, you can then use language to validate the experience like, “That was a big fall” and either talk through how well he managed it or what he may need.

As I mentioned, though, taking your own pause is tough to do in the heat of the moment when your system is activated too quickly. In this case, managing your fear is HARD to do. As your child falls, or wanders too close to danger, it’s normal for your reaction (or overreaction if there is no real danger in the end) to be big. Keep in mind that actual danger requires us to react and not to respond calmly and take a breath, but here it sounds like we are talking about a fall that is not threatening. Many of us will yell or gasp without even thinking, despite the fall being mild. Though we can set our intentions to work through this and practice, we won’t (and aren’t meant to) always get it right. If we scare our children with our response, and potentially make them more upset, use this as a moment to explain what you were feeling. You can say, “I’m sorry I yelled. I was scared that you would get hurt and sometimes when I am scared, I yell. You didn’t get hurt and next time I will try and handle it calmly.” Even when your toddler doesn’t understand all of the words, you're modeling that we all have moments of dysregulation and that even adults are working on their own reactions. That is comforting to our children and helps them understand the struggles they face, and the actions of those around them.

Keep the questions coming and, as always, thanks for listening.