How Do I Know if My Child IS the Bully?
A parent's realization
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack. Please consider a paid subscription to support this work and get access to my invite only Ask Me Anything session at the end of every month. Paid subscribers will also get a preview of my new book, and the chance to participate in a book club in the Fall. Founding members on Substack also receive a private 1:1 consultation with me, where we can focus on any of the issues that matter most to you.
Dear Aliza,
I have tried and tried to ignore it, excuse it, hide from it, but I think my son is a bully. Honestly, I know he is. I don’t know what to do. We are so kind in our family, we never hurt each other or treat people badly. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that he behaves like this and I don’t know what to do. I can’t admit it to anyone else, but I feel like I bear this responsibility and the blame for the kids he is hurting. Please help.
I’m sorry. This realization is so hard, and it takes so much to send this message. Try to remember that our children are not a reflection of our parenting in every way. Although we may believe that we can, we cannot control who they are, their relationships, or what they might be going through. What we can do is manage our response so that we can help.
First let’s be clear that we are talking about the same thing. The term “bully” is often misused by parents in the course of normal child development, when what they really mean is that a kid was being a jerk. It is normal for there to be many ups and downs in young friendships, to have hard days and some unkind words. Bullying itself is serious, can be dangerous, and can be a sign of other mental health concerns. That’s why we struggle to face the truth that our beloved child may indeed be the aggressor. It’s also necessary that we operate from the assumption that “good” kids can do “bad” things, so we can lift the pressure off thinking that when it is our kid doing something, this writes the story of who they are. Being a bully is not a sign of a “rotten apple,” but instead so often a cry for help, and a sign of struggle on the inside.
What makes bullying different from the normal strains of friendship?
Power. When there is a power difference between the two parties involved, it is easy to see how bullying starts. This could be their age, size, strength, popularity, or status. Bullies are seen to be in a more powerful position than their victims.
Repetition. Bullying is targeted and ongoing mistreatment that is consistently directed at one victim.
Harm. Bullying is an intentional act that has a direct and negative impact on another person or child.
Why do children bully?
There are a host of reasons that children may start to act aggressively towards others. Sometimes they are looking for attention they aren’t getting otherwise, or trying to indicate that they are struggling. Other times, a child may be having trouble with self-regulation and controlling their behavior, or view themselves as a victim and their actions as a result of a heightened stress response. Some children lack perspective taking skills (understanding the thoughts and feelings of others), or are being bullied or feel powerless in other settings (like home or school). Notice that “because they are bad” is not on the list. Understanding that a bully may be hurting themselves is a key to gaining understanding and help for their behavior.
Here are a few steps to take if you believe your child is a bully.
Talk openly and honestly about what you know (incidents at school, reports from teachers, other parents or what you witnessed). Ask your child what they think may explain why they are engaging in this behavior, where they feel it comes from, and make space for them to express themselves as much as they can. If you have trouble uncovering this information from your child, you may need the support of a mental health professional with experience working with children around these behaviors. Ask your school, healthcare provider or community agency for help finding someone with specialty in this field. Understanding if there are any underlying issues can help both you and your child move toward healing.
Discuss strategies to handle situations differently. If you’ve gotten to the root of your child’s bullying (for example, wanting to feel powerful because they otherwise feel unnoticed or having an impulse control problem in heated moments), work together to find alternate behaviors. Find ways they can feel seen and heard, noticed or powerful without hurting others and engaging in bullying.
Take stock of your own backyard. As parents, we may need to take a birds eye view of the conditions in our home. Are we watching violent content or shows where people routinely bully each other? Are we watching comedies that contain bullying behaviors that require sophisticated humor to understand? Do we tease each other or make any family members feel powerless? Do we allow fighting or dehumanizing name calling to sometimes get out of hand? Are our children being bullied or seeing others be bullied on a regular basis? Often unknowingly, we can find some of these patterns in our homes and work to replace them with positive messages. Again, this is not an indictment of home, it is just helpful to notice if what may seem harmless is getting misinterpreted by developing humans.
Monitor the situation closely. Once you know about bullying, it IS your responsibility to monitor chats, online behavior, and communicate with teachers and school administrators regularly. Bullying does not often disappear overnight, and it will take time and attention to help your child to create new patterns of behavior. Your child needs appropriate consequences for bullying behaviors. This may mean a loss of privileges, access or freedoms while you are ensuring that their behavior improves. It may also mean mandatory participation in counseling or therapy to help to address your child’s underlying challenges.
Make amends. It is important to also talk to your child about those they have hurt, and take steps to make it right. Focus on empathy. Involve your child in what those amends can be - from writing letters of apology to taking steps to repair their relationships. Talk about the experience the victimized child has had, and help your child to understand what that child has gone through and suffered. This is not meant to build shame, but instead to help your child develop empathy and perspective taking. It is not bad if your child feels guilty, guilt is there to help us develop our moral compass.
Spend more time together as a family. Children who are closely connected with the adults in their family, who spend time together regularly, and openly discuss thoughts, feelings and events, are less likely to engage in bullying behavior. Try to stay connected to your children's inner and outer lives - their friends, their moods, and their needs.
Get help if you need it. I know that the first step is often the hardest, but once you know that your child is in need of help, don’t hesitate to get it. Ignoring it, fighting about it or waiting for them to outgrow it won’t help. It may turn out that it was just what they needed to thrive.
Tell more more about what’s happening in YOUR home. Consider becoming a paid subscriber for access to my monthly Ask Anything sessions.
Warmly,
