Helping our kids to develop positive self regard
Hint: this isn’t “try your best”
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Despite how much we love them, and how desperate we may be to shield them from hurt, we know that the world is tough, and that our children need to be strong enough to face it. This week on the Raising Good Humans Podcast, I’m revisiting a conversation with colleague and friend Dr Joshua Sparrow on helping our children develop a positive self-regard.
As we discuss in the episode, we want to help our children meet challenges and build resilience. To do this, we need to resist the urge to fix everything, to allow our children to feel emotions - of all kinds - and to continuously help them grow perspective-taking.
The feeling of completely having messed up, having stuck your foot in your mouth, having embarrassed yourself ROYALLY is well known to all of us. And while it is uncomfortable, we know our children can learn to survive these feelings and grow stronger. We also know that these feelings are important for us to feel. A little bit of guilt can help us to gain perspective, to know what to work on, and to acknowledge where we need to grow. We want to help our children gain skills in these areas, not sweep them under the rug and learn to avoid them.
Step 1: Start by taking a breath. In order to handle any situation with your best resources and attention, you need to calm your own stress response. Find the passcode for your alarm system here.
Step 2: Validate. Wherever your child is, they are. Let them tell you how they feel, what they are worried about, and sit. Check these articles out for tips on doing this with teens.
Step 3: Help your child gain perspective. This is the OPPOSITE of giving false praise. Instead of saying, “You’ll get it next time,” especially when you don’t know that they will, offering perspective helps your child to put their reaction in context. Maybe it’s pointing out mistakes other people have made and have recovered from, or talking about what else may be going on with someone that isn’t directly related to your child.
Step 4: Model for your children how you handle your own shortcomings. Are you trying to keep up with the neighbors? Constantly praising the achievements of others? Openly discussing your many shortcomings? Instead, try focusing on a realistic appraisal of yourself. Maybe it is around something you continue to enjoy but aren’t particularly good at. For example, “I love singing, and though I know I’ll never make a career out of it, I really enjoy doing it for myself.” Or something closer to your relationship, like, “I am really working hard to become a better listener. I know it isn’t easy for me, but I am getting better at it slowly.”
Step 5: Have curiosity about what motivates your child uniquely. This involves asking your child, “Why does this matter to you?” And then be willing to ask yourself, “Why does this matter to me?” By thinking through what our children are motivated by (internally or externally), and what our own reactions are motivated by, we can begin to understand and forgive our responses. This is part of resetting our inner voice, and offering self-compassion and understanding.
And what if you try all of this, and your child rejects your interpretation and rolls their eyes? Says, “I don’t want to talk about it”??? One thought is that you didn’t join them in their feelings at the moment (step 2). You tried to make them feel better (fixing it) when they needed to sit with their feelings. Maybe you neglected to notice how big a deal this situation was for them, and said something dismissive like, “This too shall pass.” When you know you’ve missed connecting with your child, when your comments haven’t landed, you can simply dust yourself off and try again. Dr. Sparrow suggests something like, “I didn't realize how bad you were feeling and I'm sorry.”
Finally, this episode brought me a moment of enlightenment that I want to share with you. I had been telling my girls to “try their best” throughout their childhood. I thought I was showing them that I wasn’t focused on outcomes, that I wanted them to do things for themselves, and based on their own motivation. What I failed to notice is that asking a child to “do their best” actually amounts to a great deal of pressure. We don’t often do “our best” at everything, and though I was relieving myself of pressure by saying it to them, I was really just putting the pressure on them. It was a great realization for me, and I hope it inspires some curiosity from you.
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