Glass Children
How can we support siblings of children with special or higher needs
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As often happens in my house, the other day I learned a new phrase from my teenager. Glass children refers to the siblings of children with a medical diagnosis or special need that consumes a majority of their parents' attention and time. These children are referred to as glass because they are largely invisible in their homes and can feel like they go unseen.
As I began my research on this term, I came upon a plethora of TikTok videos (#glasschildren) - some personal and some very creative gifs - about this experience. It is amazing how many people resonate with this term, and how passionately they speak about this experience, even into adulthood. As best as I can tell, the term was first widely used by entrepreneur Alicia Maples in a TED talk in 2010 (though she couldn’t find the originator of the term, and neither can I). In this talk, Ms. Maples details her experience with two siblings with special medical and emotional needs, and the feeling that her own experience in childhood was largely invisible to those around her. What she describes is a painful and heartbreaking view on the siblings who endure the family crisis of a child with advanced caregiving needs, and a lesson to both parents and community members about the ways in which these glass children need our support.
For the purposes of her talk, Alicia Maples defines a child with special needs as “A person who requires ongoing attention and care above and beyond what we would consider normal parenting.” These are the children whose parents we focused on in the podcast this week. I had the chance to talk with Dr. Kelly Fradin, a board-certified pediatrician, mother of two, and author of the book, “Advanced Parenting: How to Raise Happy, Successful, and Resilient Kids." Dr. Fradin shares her insights on the added challenges of parenting in the context of mental health struggles and medical health diagnoses, inspired by her own experience as a survivor of childhood cancer. Even as we focus on the challenges for the parents of special needs children, we briefly discussed the toll that a child’s diagnosis takes on their healthy siblings.
A few highlights from our conversation:
Parents may have a distorted view of the typical behavior of their other child. Of course they still have tantrums, outbursts, struggles, challenges and struggles. Of course they aren’t “good at that yet,” they may only be a toddler. What often happens to parents who are so focused on the needs of another child is the “adultification” of the other sibling. We may assume, as compared to their sibling, that they are more capable or independent than their age and developmental stage suggest, and therefore place unrealistic expectations on their behavior and emotional wellness.
We may inadvertently ignore the toll that the family crisis is taking on siblings when we assume that our children will feel safe to come to us with their concerns. Even in the closest parent-child relationships, it is easy for children to fear adding burden to their already taxed parents. In the service of protecting you and your feelings, children may hesitate to tell you about their own struggles. That’s why the role of our extended networks and community is so critical. Finding ways to acknowledge and celebrate glass children, including them in experiences of “normal life” (e.g. vacations or holiday dinners, etc.) and creating space for them to “not be OK,” are all important contributions that friends, family members and other community members can make. We can and should continue to reach out to these families - siblings, especially - to make sure our support and availability is clear.
For parents who Dr. Fradin refers to as “advanced parents,” please offer yourselves some grace. Hearing about the feelings of your glass child, or even considering that you are unable to parent them the way you would choose to, can be devastating. That is not the intention here. Instead, we are bringing this to light in order to help share the work of raising these children among all of us. We can barely understand the stress and pressure you are under, but we know we can find a way to help.
One of the bright lights in this discussion was the recognition that these glass children also have tremendous strengths (as is obvious when you hear from many of them). Instead of only focusing on their needs, we must celebrate the strengths that these children have - like being more empathetic, understanding, and resilient.
“We are some of the strongest children there are. We have to be in order to survive the things that we survive.” - Alicia Maples
All of us can work to find simple ways to show each of our children that they are loved and valued just as they are, and that there are outlets for them to feel heard and supported even if it is with other trusted adults such as friends, neighbors, or professionals. We can return our focus to sharing small and meaningful moments together when possible, and forgive ourselves for the moments we miss.
Wow, Aliza. My heart slightly stopped as I started reading this. I have never heard of that term, but I recently realized with my husband that we have one glass child, the "easy" one with the "very demanding ones" and that we can start making changes in how we parent-as it's hard not to get derailed when you are "beyond" and put too much expectation and not enough attention to the one who makes you gifts instead of nonstop demands. (I gotta say it was easier to deal with the demands living in Scandinavia than now in the US, where moms have so many more demands than what I call the "Mom Utopia"). Thank you for this.
I know a family with a first child - a son -with autism who have done a brilliant job raising their subsequent two daughters. But it definitely does take intelligence and a reckoning - a strong realization that all children deserve fairly equal attention.