Feelings Aren’t Facts
How To Decrease “Fragility”
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All around us, we are lightly assaulted by messages about feelings. How we feel, what we need, what we are experiencing. And while I understand where this has come from - many of our parents were uncomfortable with feelings and didn’t have time for ours, and we are longing to gain emotional fluency - some in the fields of psychology and parenting worry that we have gone a bit too far.
“There is a lot of messaging, out there, right now, that feelings need to be the centerpiece of our existence, of our conversations, and of our communications… I think there is a danger to that messaging.” Dr. Samantha Boardman
In this week's episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, Dr. Samantha Boardman and I dig into the reality that feelings are not facts. Our discussion centers around how we can balance emotional fluency while encouraging perspective, distance, and agency.
When we are up close and personal with our emotions all of the time, it is hard to see them for what they really are. Each moment and experience feels like a crisis, particularly when they are new feelings. The problem is often that the intensity of each feeling seems to matter more than where or how it fits into our larger story. Feelings do not need to be the centerpiece of our existence, to be the only guide we follow, or the only measure of our mental health. With perspective, we can bring the focus out of the feelings themselves, towards reflection, and into a place of action and agency.
Recently, there is concern among many of us in this space that our focus on mental health - while so important in breaking stigma and getting resources to those who need it, as well as having a capacity to recognize a range of feelings - might actually be contributing to this idea of “fragility.” Between self-diagnosis from social media sites, to pharmaceutical commercials on TV, are we pathologizing normal reactions? If you have a hard day, it is perfectly normal to be stressed. If a loved one is sick, some amount of withdrawal or sadness is expected. If you flunk a test, feeling disappointed makes sense. Not all stress, anxious feelings, disappointment, discomfort, or sadness signals an underlying mental health problem. So what does it say to our children if we and the world around them, treat them as if stress, anxiety, or sadness is in need of intervention?
One idea Dr. Boardman discusses is what this thinking can do to a child’s self-concept. If a child is incorporating a diagnosis or pathology into their sense of self, are they shifting the way they think, the way they act, and their own belief in their potential and agency? Could that lead to feeling even worse, and to creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? The example we discuss is a child who decides that instead of having appropriate anxiety, they decide they have an “anxiety disorder” and then feel like they shouldn't go to a party because they may be uncomfortable in a new situation, or they may opt out of an advanced placement class at school because they worry they don’t have the capacity to meet the demands of a challenge. Deciding and owning the diagnosis becomes part of who they are, instead of just a feeling that they appropriately have now and then. We can work to remind our children that they are not one thing. They are a collection of many things, and actively changing and moving. We can remind them of their progress and growth, how they have learned and changed and adapted, and offer that same growth and potential to others. Someone they don’t like this year may be a friend next year, and a test that is hard this week may improve the next. Forward thinking and realistic optimism around change can challenge rigid thinking.
“You are a verb. You are not just one thing.” Dr. Samantha Boardman
By trying to show up for our children, in every moment and around every emotional need, we may also be contributing to this fixation on pathology by indulging in co-rumination. Instead of saying, “We’ve talked for a while, let’s move on and make a plan for action,” many of us sit in the swamp of our child’s feelings. We think we are supposed to and I get it, it feels so connected. But co-ruminating and connecting over pain can backfire. That means talking about feelings is good, but all-the-time, over and over and for extended periods of time can also prevent ourselves and our children from getting to a place of agency and forward movement.
To avoid this, Dr. Boardman suggests offering your child some empathy and time to vent, and then moving toward some self-distancing strategies. These may include questions like, “What advice would you give a friend who is in exactly this same situation?” Or, “Three weeks from now, how do you imagine you will feel about this?” You may even try, “What would a fly on the wall say?” or, “If you were a teacher, how would you respond to this?” Giving your child the opportunity to reflect on their feelings from someone else’s perspective, from some distance, allows them to process without the intensity of the moment. In that exercise, whether imagining giving advice to a friend, or hearing the advice of a teacher, your child can find their own path forward and create their own plan for action. This agency is protective of their mental health. Central to all humans is the need to feel in control of our destiny.
“You can feel it, you can talk about it, but then let's move on.” Dr. Samantha Boardman
So often, our own fears get in the way of supporting their confidence. When we worry or doubt, we inadvertently translate those thoughts to our children. We tend to lovingly fix instead of listen, we may overreact and then undermine their confidence in themselves when our message is that we don’t believe they are capable of managing these small challenges without us. Instead of rescuing, or stepping in to smooth things over, try listening. Sit with their discomfort. Then be prepared to build them up, embolden them, and help them to believe in themselves. Try, “You’ve faced challenges before and I know you can do this, too.” Or, “I know you will figure this out and I am here to support you.”
Getting out of “fragility” mode won’t be easy but if you want to fixate on mental health, this is a great path forward!
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