Do you delight in your child?
Quick ways to connect and play in just 5 minutes
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for preorder here. By pre-ordering, you will get exclusive access to behind the scenes content AND a Book Club event on January 30th, 2024.
This week on the podcast, actress, entrepreneur, and friend, Jennifer Garner and I are talking about delighting in our children. This is something we both feel strongly about, and yet never have enough time to do. All too often, the chaos of our daily lives interferes with our ability to step back and appreciate the simple moments we share with our children - and the joy those moments can bring. Under piles of laundry, carpool, work deadlines, and the never ending list of groceries to buy, we may forget the importance of reflecting to our children just how special they are to us, just how much we adore them, and just how much fun time with them can be.
Chapter 8 of my book - The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans - is titled, The Delight Lab: The Science of Awe and Play. In the chapter, I go through the science of awe - a psychological experience that not only grows empathy and gratitude, but impacts our overall well-being. Awe connects us with something more, something bigger, and creates a neurophysiological shift that allows us to experience a reduced ego, an increase in oxytocin, and a greater connection to the world around us. This powerful experience is plentiful in the early years when watching a butterfly take flight, or feeling snow on your tongue elicits genuine amazement. But age and routine can dull the frequency of our moments of awe, or our awareness of its value. Where can we go from here? Start simple.
Studies show that just 5 minutes of unstructured time to delight in your child, 4 times a week or more, can make a powerful difference in your relationship and connection. It can bolster your attachment relationship, boost attention span, improve your child’s social skills and behavior, and get them to listen more throughout that day. That’s 5 magic minutes with no agenda, no rules, and no control. It’s following your child’s lead and doing less in the search for something more.
To start “delight time,” keep in mind a few do’s and don’ts.
Do:
Follow your child’s lead and join them in play.
Label the time so that it feels special and separate from the rest of the day
Use your verbal and nonverbal communication to show your child that you are authentically interested and delighted to spend time with them.
Don’t:
Decide on a right or wrong way to play
Ask questions (harder than it sounds!)
Give commands.
Another easy way to find our way back to enjoying the moments of awe, and building our relationship with our children amidst the noise, is through play. Play can feel burdensome to parents afraid to get on the floor, hesitant to be silly, or drained from exhaustion - but it can also be easier than you think. My friend Jocelyn Greene, founder of Child’s Play NY, creates games that support a child’s developing skills (think self regulation, gross motor skills, critical thinking and perspective taking, just to name a few) and foster connection.
Here are 5 of my favorites:
What Animal am I?
Have kids pick their favorite animals, and make up poses,movements and ways of breathing like them. As you and they make up poses, you can write the name of the animals or creatures down. Try this game with friends, siblings, and parents, or even all by themselves.
Active Reading.
Take the exciting moments in your child’s favorite storybooks and act them out. Use simple props you already have: a blanket can become the ocean. A chair can be a mountain.
Body Phone.
Use an invisible phone to have kids call into different parts of their brain. Parents can also dial into their kids’ feelings and ask to speak with one of their emotions. For example, “Hello? I’m calling to talk to Rosie’s angry feeling.” Or, “Put Mr. Disappointment on the line.” You can even dial up physical discomforts like tummy aches or sprains, so that kids can use the game to articulate what’s going on.
Silly Chins.
Each player draws two eyes on the bottom of their chin (or has their parent do it). Now, have the kids cover their nose and eyes, and turn upside down. Take turns interviewing the new creatures. Kids can give their chin face a name, personality, hopes, and dreams. This is awesome for sibling and friend play.
Magic Restaurant, Magic Stew.
Each player picks or invents a character to come to the imaginary meal. You can invent a setting, too. Maybe you’re all members of an extremely proper royal family having dinner in a castle. Your characters and setting might inspire good habits or funny conversations. Create a magic concoction of invisible ingredients. What would each of your characters add to the stew?
Want more game ideas and tips for connecting around play? It’s your last few days to pre-order the book from your favorite bookseller! All those who preorder (and send in their receipt) will also be invited to an exclusive 5 Principles Book Club at the end of the month.
