Decoding the Backtalk
We’ve all been there.
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
"But whyyyy?" "It's not fair!" "You always..." Sound familiar? If you're the parent of an elementary school-aged child, chances are that you've been on the receiving end of some classic backtalk.
A recent listener question sums it all up.
I have a question about my 6-year-old son. We’re currently struggling with his behavior when it comes to talking back. We want to give him the space to express himself and share his feelings, but sometimes it crosses the line into being disrespectful, and he often insists on having the last word.
When we try to redirect or set a boundary, he’ll say things like, “Why won’t you let me speak?” We usually do give him a chance to share, but it’s hard to know where to draw the line between letting him have a voice and holding firm as parents. Do you have any advice for how we can respond in these moments? We want to validate his feelings, but also teach him how to communicate respectfully.
While it can be frustrating, and test your patience, backtalk is often a normal part of child development. It's a sign that your child is developing their own opinions, testing boundaries, and learning to assert themselves.
However, it's important to address backtalk in a way that fosters respectful communication and teaches children appropriate ways to express themselves. You don’t just have to take it, but you also don’t want to engage in an all-out battle of wills.
Before we dive into strategies, it's helpful to understand why children engage in backtalk. Here are some common reasons:
Fatigue and Hunger: Do you still get hangry? Yup. So do they. Your child may seem like they can handle their schedule, the demands of school, the drama with their friends, but they are often tired and hungry just like the toddlers.
Testing Boundaries: Children are naturally curious, and want to explore the limits of what's acceptable. Backtalk can be a way of testing those boundaries and seeing how you react.
Seeking Attention: Sometimes, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Backtalk can be a way for children to get your attention, even if it's in a way you don't appreciate.
Expressing Frustration: Children don't always have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to express their frustration in healthy ways. Backtalk can be an outlet for those big feelings.
Imitation: Children learn by observing and imitating the adults and peers around them. If they see others engaging in backtalk, they may be more likely to do it themselves.
Developmental Stage: As children develop cognitively and emotionally, they become more capable of independent thought and expressing their own opinions. This can sometimes lead to disagreements and backtalk.
Struggle with Separation: In the struggle to become an adult, children need to put some space between themselves and their parents. Backtalk can sometimes be a way to “reject” parents in order to create more opportunities for independence.
So, what’s a parent to do? Well, it always starts with your own nervous system.
1. Stay Calm and Composed: It's easy to get triggered by backtalk, but it's important to remain calm and composed. Take a deep breath, and avoid reacting impulsively. Your child is more likely to listen and learn if you respond in a calm and controlled manner. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let it remind you of your past. Take a moment and just breathe.
2. Listen Actively: Before responding, try to understand the reason behind your child's backtalk. Are they tired, hungry, testing boundaries, seeking attention, or expressing frustration? Listen to what they're saying and acknowledge their feelings. Try ignoring the tone or the attitude, and think about the origin.
3. Set Clear Expectations: Validate the feeling, and then explain that while it's okay to disagree, it's not okay to be disrespectful. For example, “I can tell that you’re frustrated and I get it. If you can speak calmly, I can listen.”
4. Use "I" Statements: When addressing backtalk, use "I" statements to express how their words make you feel. For example, instead of saying "Don't talk to me like that!" try "I want to help you, but I feel disrespected when you speak to me in that tone."
5. Pick Your Battles: Not every instance of backtalk requires a lengthy response. Sometimes, it's best to ignore minor backtalk and focus on the bigger issues. This is especially true if the backtalk comes after you’ve set a limit. Keep moving and let it go.
Remember, addressing backtalk is not just about stopping the behavior in the moment. It's about teaching children how to communicate effectively and respectfully - and honoring their wishes, too. That means giving them space when they want it, reading signals that you may be acting just a smidge intrusive, and giving them greater opportunities for independence in their lives. It doesn’t feel good to be told what to do all day long. Find opportunities to let your child be in charge, to give them some room to make choices, make mistakes, and practice decision making.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.