“Daddy do it!”

Parental preference hurts on both sides

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Parental preference isn’t something we completely understand from a developmental perspective, but we can all agree it can feel personal. For the preferred parent it can be suffocating, full of hard work and endless tasks - and for the rejected one, constant insults and a painful lack of acknowledgment.

Why does it happen?

Toddlers are all about control and independence. They are interested in how they can influence the world around them, what they can control, and cause and effect. This curious little one is trying to figure out what they need and who they want ALL OF THE TIME. From specific foods, to who gets them dressed, toddlers love making demands.

Why do they choose one over another?

There are many theories about why toddlers choose one parent over another. Sometimes it is the one who is more permissive, other times the one who is more similar to them. Maybe they like the way you give a bath, but the way your partner sings a bedtime song. What we do know, is that it is actually a good sign of their healthy attachment that they can express preference. If they were worried about being safe and loved, we wouldn’t expect them to have the freedom to express their desires in this way (yup, we are actually finding a silver lining). We also know that parental preference can change throughout childhood and switch from one parent to another depending on circumstance, phase, or situation. And please don’t worry, if the preferred parent isn’t around, you will likely become the next in line and someone else will get rejected. Preference also depends on context. 

For the preferred parent: How to handle it

• Remember that you do not need to meet your toddlers demands. If you swoop in and take over from your partner, you are validating your toddler's insistence that you DO do it better, that you ARE the only one who can help. Instead, allow your partner to “own” their tasks and hold their place. 

• Talk about your partner in a positive light. Make sure to highlight all the things your co-parent does well, and how much faith you have in their ability to care for your child/family.

• Have empathy for the feelings of your co-parent. Make space to hear their distress and don’t ignore their pain. It might be tempting to use this as an opportunity to tell your co-parent how to “do it better” or to tell them they are lucky because it means less work for them. Avoid these pitfalls so that parental preference does not cause unnecessary tension in your relationship. 

• Make sure you’re not making the other parent the “bad guy.” If you are enjoying your preferred status, make sure it isn’t at the expense of the other guy. Saying things like, “when mommy (or daddy) comes home they will be very disappointed” can drive a wedge in your child’s relationship with their other parent.

For the rejected parent: How to handle it

• Try not to take the rejection personally. Even though their words sting (you’re human), they aren’t meant to cause injury. Try not to act out on these feelings of hurt and notice if resentment is growing so you can name it and put it aside.

• Stay involved and try not to back off. It can be easier to avoid caregiving duties if you feel like you’re unwanted, but disappearing can undermine your relationship. Instead, stay involved and present with your child, and continue to build your relationship. Despite whatever they may say, showing that you can stick with them no matter what is an important way to build trust.

• Handle their comments without anger. This may mean something like, “I know you want daddy (or mommy), but I am here and I love you.” Then carry-on with whatever you’re doing.

• Stay consistent in your parenting style. Avoid trying to make your child prefer you by being more permissive, giving into other demands, or giving special allowances to make time with you special. 

• Caregiving itself is an incredible way to connect with little ones. If you are not typically the one changing diapers or doing that bath, you are not getting the opportunity to share that connection time. Swap tasks with the preferred parent and take on some of these tasks. 

 We’ve all been there, and it does get easier!