Coping with the Loss of a Pet
Talking to our children about death has a LOT to do with how we feel about it ourselves.
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There is no surprise that in American culture, we have a lot of hang ups about death. Research shows that Americans work to shield kids from death as compared to other cultures, and that we often willingly avoid the topic even when presented with the opportunity to discuss it in our daily lives. Fairy tales and Disney movies often deal with these difficult topics theoretically to give kids the opportunity to work through those largely unmanaged feelings with characters that are distant from them.
So why is it that we shy away from the inevitable, final, universal ending? That’s a long and complicated question that each of us has to manage for ourselves. But for our children? We know we need to face this head on and with some sensitivity to the temperament of our child. Research shows that having parents talk about death with children helps them to learn to cope with loss in adulthood. In addition, as I have talked about with other scary topics such as violence and natural disaster, a lack of explanation from parents around issues that children experience in childhood can lead children to make up their own ideas around these issues, or adopt those of their peers. Those narratives can be much more terrifying than the truth you have to offer, and can also lead to new fears and anxieties.
I am often asked for guidance discussing pet death with our children, and helping them manage what is often their first experience with the grieving process. Though there is so much to say on grief in general, and so much that needs to be adapted to you and your family, but here are a few tips especially around the death of a pet.
Be honest and open.
Use simple language and avoid euphemisms like “lost,” or “passed away.” This may seem harsh but imagine how confused you would be to think a beloved pet is lost, or for how long you may wonder if they will be found? Saying things like “the dog went to sleep and is not going to wake up,” may feel easier to say, but then invite a fear of sleep. Make sure to be clear that death is final and universal. Be specific about the cause of death if appropriate, but emphasize that there are many causes of death.
Answer questions that your child has, following their lead. Try not to overwhelm them with information, but instead focus on their most pressing questions (which may or may not seem relevant to you at the moment). Remember that it is appropriate for younger children to worry about their own well-being and their own needs in the face of loss. You can be sure that many of their questions about loss will be to reassure them of their safety and your safety.
If you choose to share a spiritual or religious belief about death, use the phrase, “I believe,” or “In our religion we believe,” so that your child is able to understand concepts that may be new to them.
Let kids participate in memorials or ways to celebrate and honor the pet who died.
Remembering loved ones is an important piece of the grieving process. Depending on their age, allow children to plan memorials, funerals, celebrations or other remembrances.
Find new ways for your child to talk about and openly express feelings about a pet they have lost. Making these conversations “taboo” in your home can stifle children’s natural grieving process and repress their feelings.
Share your own feelings of grief in a safe way.
It is healthy for your children to see you grieving, and to understand that others feel the same loss in a profound way. Manage your own feelings in a way that feels safe to your child (especially at a young age), and assures them that you are going to be able to take care of yourself (and them), but find opportunities to openly express your own grief when you can. If they ask you if you are sad you don’t need to pretend not to be. You can say something like “I am sad because I really am going to miss Ruffles. If you see me crying or looking sad, just know that it makes sense that I am sad but I also know how to take care of myself when I am sad. You don’t need to take care of me! I will take care of you no matter what feelings I am having. You can be sad or happy or any feeling you want.”
Be patient, leave the door open for their reactions.
Grieving is a long and personal process. Expect your child to continue to bring up the loss for days, weeks or months. Try to allow them to follow their own timeline to process and make sense of their loss, and avoid putting limits on when or how to grieve.
Maintain routines.
Routines help children (and adults) to feel safe and regulated. Keeping children in whatever routines ground them can help them to find security and safety in the midst of loss.
It can be tempting to make lots of special exceptions and events to cheer your child up if they are grieving. Remind yourself that this is a bandaid for a feeling that is appropriate and inevitable, and that leaning into routines and NOT chaos will help your child feel safe.
Normalize death and talk about death in existing opportunities.
From a plant in the backyard to a bee in the park, there are opportunities to talk about death all around us. Talking about death as a normal part of life can help children to find peace and acceptance in their own minds.
Remember, so much of this advice needs to be tailored to the type of loss, your child, and the specific circumstances. No loss is easy, but how we learn to cope with and talk about death can make a significant impact on how we do it again in the future.
