Confessions of Real Life Parents
10 Things We’ve All Done and Why They are OK
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Sometimes, we need a little company in our mistakes to really and truly feel forgiven. Since I am committed to helping parents to ease up on the pressure they feel to be perfect, I am going through 10 things I am guessing we’ve all done but never admit. Until now.
1. Play Favorites
While we obviously all love and support our children equally, the reality is that parental favoritism sometimes happens. The decision on who is your favorite child can ebb and flow depending on the day (or the minute), the developmental stage they are in (it can be hard to love pre-teens), or temperament. As parents, we may naturally gravitate towards a child who shares our interests and behaves the way we do, or the one who is totally different than we are and rarely pushes our buttons. A more compliant, easy-going child may make you feel great as a parent, while a more defiant or spirited child may bring less parental satisfaction overall. AND, our own expectations and demands (on our kids and ourselves) can make it hard to see our children for who they are, and not our feelings towards them.
Is this awful? Playing favorites isn’t awesome, but it’s also natural. In different phases and moments, our attention and affection for each child waxes and wanes. Hopefully, these moments are short-lived and we have enough self control not to act on them. Once we identify that we are playing favorites, we can work to ensure that we change our behavior, and rethink our limits. While it is true that you can’t be the same parent to each child, it is also important to find ways to connect with each one of your children - especially when it doesn’t come naturally.
2. Using Screen Time as a Bargaining Chip
Obviously, we want to have limits about screens. These are very personal, but we are pretty sure that they DON’T include endless hours in front of the ipad, but we’ve all done it. AND, here is one more truth: When screens are what they want most, sometimes we all take a little advantage. Sometimes, a little Peppa Pig is the only thing standing between us and a complete meltdown. So, we make deals. "Finish your vegetables, and you can watch one episode." Or, "If you get ready for bed without a fuss, you can play on the iPad for 15 minutes." Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Is this awful? Life happens. Though threats will eventually stop working, and we want to aim for techniques that help our children to listen without them, accidentally throwing out a few screen time threats here and there isn’t the end of you. BUT, if you do this, make sure you actually follow through with what you say, so that you don’t also get into the habit of empty threats…
3. Pretending to be Asleep
Ah, the classic parental power move. It's Saturday morning, the sun is barely up, and tiny humans are already bouncing on the bed. But mama needs her coffee (and maybe 30 more minutes of sleep). So, we feign slumber, hoping they'll get bored and wander off. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it's always worth a shot.
Is this awful? Sleep is vital! What could be better than showing our kiddos that we value it? Go ahead and sleep with gusto, as long as the kiddos are safe and you know everything will be alright. Maybe you even use it as an opportunity to teach your kids how to make themselves breakfast, keep some toys in easy reach for playing, and make sure the house is safety-proofed enough to keep them safe.
4. Hiding in the Bathroom
The bathroom is our sanctuary. It's the one place in the house where we can lock the door and enjoy a few precious moments of solitude. Need to make a phone call without tiny voices screaming in the background? Bathroom. Want to scroll through social media in peace? Bathroom. Just need a break from the chaos? You guessed it...bathroom. No, you didn’t suddenly develop irritable bowel syndrome…you’re just plain hiding.
Is this awful? Hey, what they don’t know can’t hurt their feelings. Hiding in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace is protective. It may mean you have a chance to catch your breath, calm yourself down, and avoid having your nervous system set off a response you will regret. Self-care right now may look a little nutty, but it isn’t.
5. Take Parenting Advice from Social Media
OK, this one is personal. I know that I contribute to this by putting my work on social media, but I hope that the differences between what I do and what non-professionals in the space are doing is obvious. That said, LOTS of parents admit to going to social media for parenting advice in secret. Whether it makes you feel better about a mistake you made, or gives you ideas for the perfect over the top birthday party, you’ve looked it up.
Is this awful? It can be! Of course, the quality of the advice you’re getting will vary WILDLY depending on what you are consuming, and you run the risk of getting some very confusing, misleading, or inaccurate stuff. BUT, you also run the risk of comparing yourself to others in a way that makes you feel less-than, crappy, or defeated. Your own mental health will likely be better if you stay off social media - and not just the parenting accounts.
6. Get Overly Involved in Friendship Drama
You know you were just supposed to listen and hold onto the information…but suddenly you’ve called another parent, sent an email to the school, and set off a chain reaction that you didn’t see coming. Friendship drama is SO painful, and sometimes we can’t keep quiet about it.
Is this awful? First off, forgive yourself. This is HARD. Our children’s friendship drama brings up our own stuff, and sometimes it is so difficult to even see straight. When you’ve accidentally stepped into it, take a breath and repair. Admit to your child what you’ve done. Try something like, “I’m so sorry that this happened, but I was so upset and I thought I could help. I know that I didn’t do the right thing this time, but I made a mistake. I will work on handling this better next time.” Then work towards making it easy for your child to talk to you (no overreacting), and finding a healthier outlet to vent when it feels like too much. This is where trusted mom friends can be a godsend.
7. Used Your Child as an Excuse
“My son isn’t feeling well so I have to cancel.” Sound familiar? The white lies we tell are VERY easy for our children to pick up on. Maybe they even correct us in public when they hear us making excuses to other adults? Cringy? Yes. But we have all been there, and sometimes we just need to get out of plans.
Is this awful? We all tell small lies once in a while. These social lies (also called “white lies” because they are harmless) can be hard for kids to distinguish, so start by explaining that while honesty is crucial, sometimes people say things that aren't entirely true to be kind, and avoid hurting feelings. Give simple examples they can understand, like saying they like a gift they don't love to avoid upsetting the giver. Just because your children see you do this doesn’t mean they won’t value truth-telling as they age. Make sure to tell the truth - even when it’s hard - when it really matters.
8. Bribery
We know we shouldn't, but sometimes a little incentive goes a long way. "If you behave at the grocery store, you can pick out a special treat." Or, "Clean your room, and we'll go get ice cream." Somehow the bribes just fly out of our mouths, almost automatically.
Is this awful? While bribes aren’t my favorite parenting technique, we all need to use them on occasion. However, bribes can lead to more negotiation and refusal from your children if you’re not careful (think: “What will you give me if I do it?”). If you can, try setting the incentive BEFORE your child refuses to do something. For example, before you sit down for homework say, “If we can get through this quickly without fighting, we can go out for dinner” instead of waiting until your child refuses to do the homework, and then bribing them with the dinner. Incentives are a healthier way to work on motivation, and they don’t teach our kids to refuse doing things in order to “get something out of us.”
9. Fantasizing About "Me Time":
We love our kids more than anything, but sometimes we dream of a day at the spa, a quiet dinner with friends, or even just a solo trip to Target. It doesn't make us bad parents, just human.
Is this awful? NOT AT ALL. Keeping your own cup full is an essential part of how you are able to show up as a human (and parent). Prioritizing alone time is something we can all do more of - and something we all deserve. Research shows that taking the time we need helps our children to understand all of the aspects of our personhood, and not just see us as one dimensional parents. This is ultimately good for a healthy and balanced relationship, where kids need to know you are OK, as they grow up.
10. Secretly Loving the Chaos:
Even though we complain about the mess, the noise, and the constant demands, deep down, we wouldn't trade it for the world. There's something beautiful about the chaos of family life. It's messy, it's loud, and it's perfectly imperfect. And we wouldn't have it any other way. But that isn’t going to stop us from complaining.
Is this awful? Complaining about something you love is definitely part of the human experience. That said, focusing on gratitude - even for the mess, the noise, and the chaos - may be a healthier state of mind for your brain. Gratitude strengthens neural pathways associated with positive emotions, leading to increased feelings of happiness and well-being. It can also reduce stress and anxiety by lowering cortisol levels, the stress hormone. Daily gratitude practices can even improve sleep quality, and boost cognitive functions like memory and attention.
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