Climbing the Validation Ladder

Part 2 of our discussion on validation

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We all want to connect with our children, understand their world, and support them through life's ups and downs. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we struggle to truly "get" what they're going through. This is where the power of validation comes in. Validation isn't just about agreeing with our kids; it's about acknowledging their feelings, experiences, and perspectives – even when we don't necessarily share them. It is the pathway to helping them feel “seen.”

In the latest episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of the upcoming book Validation: How the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life, discusses the powerful tool of validation and how to use it with our kids.

Here are eight steps to validation we covered and how we can use them to build stronger relationships with our children. Psychologists like Dr. Fleck often talk about different levels of validation, like climbing a ladder. The higher we climb, the deeper our connection and the stronger our message of understanding becomes. Here they are:

The First Rungs: Mindfulness Skills

The first two steps on the validation ladder are all about mindfulness – being present and attentive.

1. Attending: This is the foundation. It means giving your child your full attention – making eye contact, nodding, and using nonverbal cues to show you're listening. But it goes beyond just the surface. Attending also involves actively trying to understand your child's perspective. Ask yourself: What's their point? Why does this matter to them? This helps us shift away from our own agenda, and truly see things from their viewpoint. It also keeps us engaged and prevents boredom in conversations.

2. Copying: This simple yet powerful technique involves mirroring what your child says or does. If they say they're feeling frustrated, you can respond with, "Frustrated? I hear that." Or, if they're showing a certain body language, you can subtly mirror it. Copying activates our mirror neurons, which help us experience some of what they're feeling, fostering empathy and deeper understanding.

Building Understanding: The Next Three Steps

Once we've mastered attending and copying, we can move on to deeper levels of understanding.

1. Equalizing: After listening and mirroring, you might start to see the logic in your child's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Equalizing means acknowledging that their feelings and thoughts make sense given their situation. You can say things like, "It makes perfect sense that you would feel that way" or, "Anyone in your shoes would probably feel the same."

2. Contextualizing: This involves seeing your child's behavior within a larger context. For example, if your child is struggling to communicate with you, you might consider what else is going on in their life – maybe they're stressed about school, dealing with friendship issues, or navigating difficult emotions. Contextualizing helps us understand that their behavior is valid within that broader context.

3. Proposing: This is where we start to "Jedi mind trick," as it was described by Dr. Fleck. It involves guessing what your child might be thinking or feeling. This is a powerful way to make them feel seen and understood, like you know them better than they know themselves. However, it's important to be careful with proposing. If you're wrong, it can feel like gaslighting, so be prepared to step back and return to attending if needed.

The Top Rungs: Empathy Skills

The final three steps are the most powerful, as they convey genuine empathy and emotional understanding.

1. Emoting: This involves expressing your own emotions in a way that shows your child they've had an effect on you. This can be as simple as tearing up when they share something moving, or expressing joy and pride in their accomplishments. Vulnerability can be incredibly powerful, especially for fathers, as it shows their children that it's okay to be open and honest about their feelings. Keep in mind, your child needs to feel like you are capable of taking care of yourself, and that this is NOT about making them worry about you or shifting the attention to your reaction.

2. Taking Action: This step involves intervening in a situation to support your child. However, it's crucial to ask for their permission before taking action. You might ask, "Do you want me to talk to the teacher about what's happening at school?" or, "Would it help if I arranged a playdate with your friend?" Respecting their autonomy is key.

3. Disclosure: This means sharing a personal experience that relates to what your child is going through. It's not about making it about you, or one-upping their experience, but rather about showing them that you understand because you've been there too. Share how you felt and how you coped, but always keep the focus on your child's experience.

Self-Validation: Caring for the Caregiver

Validating our children is essential, but so is validating ourselves. Self-validation allows us to be more present, grounded, and available for our kids. One self-validation practice involves attending to our emotions, labeling them, and understanding the valid reasons behind them. Then, we can take action to self-soothe and transform negative emotions into something positive, like a loving-kindness reflection.

Validation is not just a nice-to-have; it's critical for mental health and strong relationships. Invalidation, on the other hand, can contribute to harmful psychological distress. Creating a validating environment is crucial, especially for vulnerable populations.

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