Can we ditch the script?
Parenting can’t be paint by numbers
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I understand why many parents want a script to use with their children. I really, genuinely, believe that it comes from a good place, from the will to do better, be better, find the “right” way. But as I dig into perfectionist parenting in the last few weeks, I’m worried that the scripting is leading us down a tough path.
Parents are facing so many unique challenges and struggles everyday, making decisions and handling situations that require us to be present in the moment, work together, and find connection.
Scripts can’t help us do any of that.
Anyone who works in child development will tell you that temperament is one of the most important constructs we have in understanding how different people respond to the world around them. It’s why one person loves the spotlight and someone else hides from it; why noise puts one person to sleep and keeps another awake; why siblings can turn out so differently when raised by the same people in the same house. Our children may even have different temperaments than our own, interpreting or approaching the world through their unique lens. As parents, one of our hardest jobs is finding that “goodness of fit” between our temperament and theirs, and finding a way to speak and exist together in a way that honors us both.
So how could one script be enough for the variety of parents and children in the world?
Simply put, I think we all acknowledge that it can't be. But the urge remains.
In a world where parenting has become a competitive sport, are scripts encouraging us to be our authentic selves, or treating us like we are all the same? If they inspire you to come up with a version that is authentic to you and your child – go for it. If it becomes yet another way that you feel like you have to follow a paint by numbers approach that does not reflect your needs - leave it behind.
Another risk of scripts is that after you use a script once or twice, it becomes super clear to your child that you are using it, and may serve to disconnect you from your authentic connection. In that case, the script serves the opposite need in the moment - to co-regulate and build connection.
From my own work, and the thousands of hours I have spent in the company of some incredible researchers and experts in the field, I can say confidently that we parent best when we show up. Show up for ourselves and for our children. When we are in the moment; are who we are; and make space for our child to be who they are. In that moment, there is no script. It’s knowing yourself and knowing your kid - the good old-fashioned work of parents. It may not be easy, or cleverly stated on a bumper sticker, but at its core, it speaks to the relationship we all want with our children as we grow. A real one. Messy and all.
Stick with me, with this community, and we will navigate together.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.