Camp is Back

Takeaways from the Camp Episode

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Camp is definitely on my mind this month. Yours too?

Here are some of the most important tips I learned from The Camp Episode with Dr. Michael Thompson, Author of Homesick and Happy.

Check out the full episode from Season 2, here.

Whatever your plans, this conversation will help you have a healthy perspective on our children’s need for autonomy and separation, and shed light on a few small ways to instill confidence and resilience in our young ones.

Quick Take-Aways

1. When parents rescue their children from the routine challenges of sleep away camp, they may unintentionally be telling their children that they doubt their own ability to handle the challenge on their own.

2. Be careful for any messaging that suggests your child is too fragile or weak to handle ups and downs. No matter where they are and at any age, children need to know that you have faith in their abilities, that you are there for support and that you believe in their ability to persevere (This is NOT an article addressing when things are unsafe, which would be a different situation than the typical experience).

3. Children, like all of us, grow and develop from challenges – even those that are painful.

4. When you have an open channel between parents and children, anxiety can travel back and forth and become amplified. A parent's anxiety triggered by their child’s camp experience, may then produce an anxious response in their children.

5. Separation can be a magical experience for children. Separation builds autonomy, independence and psychological ownership. Separating may be hard, but it is well worth the struggle for your child to build important skills for their future.

6. Children returning from sleep away camp may seem like strangers to their parents. Instead of being upset about their new independence, use this as an opportunity to ask questions and create an open space to learn about life through your child’s eyes.

Even for infants (clearly not ready for sleep away camp for a long time!), there are still ways to prepare for your baby’s eventual separation!

• From the start, try to model that separations and reunions are a normal part of life. When you leave your baby, even when they may be too young to notice, practice keeping your goodbye upbeat and short and do not sneak out. When you sneak away to avoid the sad goodbye, you may end up sending a message that you will disappear at unpredictable moments and your infant may in turn become more clingy.

• Practice games like peek-a-boo to help your infant develop object permanence, or the idea that things and people still exist even when they can’t be seen. This will help with separation anxiety, which may begin around 8 months.

• Try to let your child lead in play. This will build early confidence and help them feel capable in their own exploration and creativity. This is an important first step in independence– being able to decide what to explore!

For toddlers also not ready to head off, you can focus on separations, distress and early friendships to build some of the key components of autonomy.

• If you haven’t already, you may be on the cusp of experiencing separation anxiety. Remember that though you may be a puddle of tears when you leave, your toddler likely recovers quickly. Keep good-byes brief, happy and short. Don’t sneak out. Avoid going back in once you’ve left (leave the forgotten item behind) and don’t give into the urge to sneak out. Learning how to handle everyday separations is good for your toddler!

• Avoid rushing in to fix your toddler’s distress and frustration every time. Letting them struggle and learn to manage those feelings, helps them be able to take on challenges in the future – like sleep away camp! Learning that you are capable of doing hard things and persisting is a great confidence booster for toddlers and makes it more likely they will try again.

• Early toddler friendships can seem like they need a lot of parental monitoring, but remember to try and let toddlers figure things out whenever they can. Offer a suggestion, like a timer for a turn or hiding a special item that cannot be shared, but avoid steering all of the play. Let your child choose what to play with as much as possible and help them to negotiate working with friends without taking over.

Elementary students may be having their first sleep away camp experiences, or may just be working on the age appropriate struggles for independence and individuation.

• Your young elementary student is likely looking for independence wherever they can find it! Lean into this by offering them responsibilities around the house, time and space to do the things they CAN do, support to do what they can ALMOST do, and modeling around the things they cannot YET do.

• At this age, you may be a pro about separation, but your child can play a larger role in telling you what they need and want to support them. If they are headed to camp for the first time, have conversations about both the aspects that excite them AND what may be making them nervous. Brainstorm together about ways to prepare, strategies to try and the support they need from you.

• Instead of deciding FOR your child how they would like to communicate while away, talk to them about what feels best. Is it a call or a letter? More contact or less? Remember that your child knows that you care, and so they may save up all their pain for the one letter they send!

• Coach yourself NOT to be inflamed by your child’s anxiety. Expressing your own anxiety feeds your child’s response and the cycle continues.

Sending off teens and tweens means having faith in their abilities and supporting them from a healthy distance.

• If your child is struggling, be a sports coach. “I think you can do this. It may be challenging at times but I know that you are ready to take this on.”

• When you are concerned with a child at camp, call the camp director and reconcile what you’re hearing with what the counselors are seeing during the day.

• Reassure them that even though they may feel homesick, you know they can do this and that you believe they can make it through. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry you felt so bad last time we talked. I hope things have gotten better. I talked to the camp director and she says you’re doing a pretty good job finding fun and friends. I was really glad to hear that. I want you to stick it out, I hope you can. I think it will be a really great summer.”

• Remember that your voice and presence may inflame homesickness. Your job is to listen and offer encouragement in their ability. Think about inspiring your children to find the courage, not contributing to the doubt.

• When your older child returns from camp, use gentle questions to show them you care and are interested. Concrete questions work best like, “What did you like the most? Tell me about a counselor you liked. Was there any counselor you hated?”

• Be prepared to be surprised by your child’s new independence. Respect it whenever you can and honor their developing sense of self.

Most of all, be patient with yourself and your child. This is a learning opportunity for all of us!

Warmly,

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