Beyond Blame

How behavioral genetics reshapes the way we think about our kids’ mental health

 “I think, in many ways, having a child is one of the most risk tolerant things that a person can do with their life.” Dr. Kathryn Paige Harden

In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast I had a fascinating conversation with Dr. Kathryn Paige Harden, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, where she directs the Developmental Behavior Genetics lab, and author of over 150 scientific papers on the nature and nurture of human behavior. Her latest book Original Sin is soon to be available everywhere.

Photo by Warren Umoh on Unsplash

Dr. Harden’s work cuts right to the heart of the constant inner dialogue so many of us have as parents: the tug-of-war between blaming ourselves for our children’s struggles and absolving ourselves because “it’s all genetics.” She also addresses how to think about heritable mental illness if this is part of your family history.

The traditional “nature vs. nurture” debate often leads us down one of two destructive paths. Either we experience crushing guilt (”I messed up, this is my fault”) or paralyzing certainty (”It’s genetic, there’s nothing I can do”). What modern science, and Dr. Harden’s work in particular, is showing us is a far more complex, humbling, and ultimately empowering reality. It forces us to relinquish the fantasy of perfect control and instead step fully into a relationship with the incredible, unique humans we’ve birthed.

As with most things, having the context on how we got here feels so helpful to understanding this moment. In our conversation, Dr. Harden goes back to a time when the human genome was first sequenced, and there was a fervent, almost naive optimism. Scientists believed they would quickly crack the code on psychiatric diagnoses. We would know with certainty what causes depression, anxiety, or schizophrenia. Identification would lead to a treatment, and clarity would be had by all. But that just never happened. Instead, scientists found a complexity that is almost hard to grasp. Thousands upon thousands of genetic variants that are associated with many mental health conditions, each with only a tiny, minuscule effect. To make things even messier, the same genes often overlap across conditions. The genetic risk factors for alcohol addiction, opiate addiction, conduct problems in childhood, and ADHD are frequently the same. In this “soup” as Dr. Harden calls it, we can’t use genetics alone to understand or unlock the puzzle. Enter the influence of the environment and relationships.

One of my favorite parts of the conversation centered on the historical role of genetics in absolving parents - and especially mothers - from blame. In the mid-20th century, many mental health disorders were said to be the result of a difficult mother. Conditions like schizophrenia and autism were blamed on a mothers behavior and her availability, or lack thereof, to her children. Instead of receiving treatment or support for their children, mothers faced accusations and judgement from their providers.

Not until scientists studied twins and modern genetic research did this fundamentally misogynistic and damaging model get challenged. By showing that conditions like schizophrenia and autism run in families in patterns consistent with genetic transmission, science finally suggested, “Maybe it’s not mom.”

The flip side of this absolution is an acknowledgment that parents are not in perfect control of how their kids turn out. While I often say this is relieving, I know that other parents are terrified by the realization that there is uncertainty in our lives no matter what we do.

So, if we are absolved of total blame, but also not in perfect control, what do we do? Especially for parents who have a family history of mental illness?

Dr. Harden’s first piece of advice is to trust your own instincts. You have a deep, intimate knowledge of your child, and if that warning light is going off in your head, do not let anyone easily talk you out of it.

The second piece of advice is very straightforward. Warmth and firmness without harshness. It is just simply the most essential piece. And for children at the highest genetic risk for conditions such as conduct disorder or substance use, a regular demonstration of love, affection, and care (“I like you. I care about you.”) and the avoidance of harsh punishment (spanking, berating, or escalating punitiveness) are the best tools you have.

Dr. Harden also brought up an important point about the stigma surrounding diagnoses like conduct disorder. Our instinct is often to think of children who engage in antisocial behavior as “bad kids.” This moral judgment strips us of the scientific motivation to study and treat the problem. She noted that compared to other psychiatric disorders, conduct disorder receives fewer grants, and is sometimes not even classified as a mental health problem by major institutions, despite being highly predictive of lifelong substance use, ADHD, and at a substantial cost to families and society.

Her work challenges us to hold two seemingly contradictory ideas at once: that a child’s behavior may be profoundly influenced by their biology, but that this also doesn’t absolve them of accountability, nor does it absolve us of the moral and scientific imperative to help them.

Ultimately, Dr. Harden’s profound work brings us back to the core challenge of relationships, seeing our children for who they are and loving who is in front of us. Not our ideals, our hopes, our dreams, but the actual human being who is there.

Parenting is an act of love, risk, and constant, unfolding discovery. While science can offer us the data to understand our children better, it will never offer us a magic bullet or a guarantee of safety. The true, beautiful, and uncertain work remains in cultivating warmth, setting firm but gentle limits, and committing to the long journey of getting to know the unique, amazing humans we are raising.