Are You a Martyr Mom?

Let's get into it.

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Today, I'm trying to find the balance between being supportive and being so invested in our children that we can’t extract ourselves to live our own lives. How can we think about this in our everyday choices and avoid falling into the trap of a martyr mom? 

Last week, I had the opportunity to talk with Harvard psychiatrist, Zen priest and lead researcher on the longest running study on happiness, Dr. Robert Waldinger. We talked about this idea of parent martyrdom. And like me, he viewed this trend in current parenting as troublesome. 

“Do you want to model a life that's martyrdom to parenting? Do you want to model for your child the idea that when they have kids the rest of their life is over? Is that what you want your kids to take away from what it's like to be a parent? Or, do they want to see you having other interests in your life, other things that matter? Do they want to see you having fun, having alone time with your partner?”

Dr. Robert Waldinger

I am wondering why there seems to be such a sense of pride in being a martyr mom? Is there a feeling that being a martyr mom is the key to nailing parenting? When parents are always at every practice and game, every carpool, is there a sense that they are winning at parenting? That their kids are going to feel more supported, and that the sacrifices they are making are within the expected scope of what it means to be an awesome parent? Or that when a parent doesn’t have capacity (or interest) in this, (spoiler alert - I am one of those) that those poor kids are losing out, possibly even feeling neglected? Is there a sense that if parents choose the stuff that fills their own tanks and makes them whole that they are selfish? Or sacrificing the potential for being the elusive “perfect” parent?

I get how we got here. We are among the first generations to use parenting as a verb. To think there is a “right” way to do things, and to base so much of our self-confidence and self image on the success of our children. We are uniquely focused on every whim, need, and event in our children’s lives. We are confused when experts (including myself) highlight the power of being a sensitive parent - and sometimes confuse that sensitivity of care with doing everything we can to make sure our children do not feel disappointed in us. And it seems like it’s getting harder and harder for us to find balance. In fact, once when one of my daughter’s made a misstep at school, she asked if I was going to lose my job because my kid wasn’t “perfect”, and my brain nearly exploded. Now there was even pressure on my kids to be perfect kids because they viewed my job to be about being a perfect parent. Think of it another way – how much pressure do our kids feel to be the center of someone’s universe? To feel all their successes and failures are so important to a parent or parents that their caregivers' sense of self is tied to their performance? 

This is the kind of thing I think about when I try to make decisions in my day-to-day life. I love my work. That is no secret, and something I do not feel guilty about. Does it take time away from my girls? Sure it does. But I enjoy it, it helps fill my tank, and I want them to see that. I feel privileged that they know I love my work, and I don’t think it occurs to them that it would mean I do not love them, too. I also care deeply about my adult relationships. It matters to me to be there for and cared for by the friends I have made throughout my life. As a result, I may choose to see a close friend from college who came into town instead of watching a debate tournament, or to sometimes have dinner with other adults instead of doing bedtime. Is it revolutionary? Depends on who you ask. Each one of these choices reflects the constant push-pull of parenting demands and the rest of our “other lives.” There is never enough of us to go around, and guilt is everywhere (even from our kids - “why does their mom always have the good snacks?”). But our answer is simple: All of this “other” is in the service of making me whole - something that makes me a better mother, too. When I am full, I am present for my girls in a different way. I model for them what it is to be a friend, a citizen, part of a family, and a community. I show them that though they are always my most important priority, they are not my only one. I also show them that they can work hard at practice without me as an audience, that they can feel good about themselves because they are proud of the work they did, and that they get to tell me all about it when we come together. And sure, do I need to check-in regularly to be sure that I am making choices that honor what really matters for me to show up for? Yes. 

As Dr. Waldinger describes, being a martyr for your kids, and sacrificing the relationships and connections that matter most to who YOU are also has an extraordinary impact on your health and wellness. His research on adult happiness and wellbeing shows the tremendous importance of adult relationships, strong connections and a network of support, both mentally and physically, as we age. Loneliness has even been linked to dementia! So what will happen to these parent martyrs when their children leave home, get their own lives, and need their parents less? Will our kids be worried that they’re flying from the nest is our demise? Will they wonder about us when they decide to take another path? Worry about our ability to survive the shift? If we care about that inevitable future, these are questions we need to start preparing for waaaaaaay before that day comes.

We need to nurture our adult relationships. Do the things we love. Spend our time in a way that feels good. Reignite our passions. Give ourselves permission. Help our children to gain new skills, independence and understanding about the many aspects of our lives that matter. To see us as more than their parents. We need to make mistakes, forgive ourselves, and make another. If we only have today, we have to make the most of it.

And if I can’t convince you to do it for yourself? Well, I can use that martyrdom against you and tell you to do it for your kids. And if you’re reading this and you still want to get it “right” as a parent - ask yourself if there is anything you can take off your plate to be a bit less of a martyr mom. Just one. She isn’t getting a prize in the end. 

One Note to Keep In Mind: In this article, I am not suggesting that a parent is doing something wrong if they genuinely love showing up for their child and doing the lion’s share of the work. I also want to acknowledge that OF COURSE there is tremendous value in supporting our kids and cheering them on when they are doing something they love. It’s certainly a great pleasure of mine. In this piece, I am talking about something else, something that feels more like a sacrifice that isn’t serving parents or children, but seems to FEEL like it may do both. I am talking about the martyr mom. I am also saying mom as a proxy for primary caregiver, which could (of course) be someone else. But the phenomenon I am referring to is a very specific role that can only be carried out by the primary caregiver, the one expected to be The Martyr. 

warmly,