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In my conversation with Dr. Gabor Maté on the podcast this week, one of the many subjects we touched on was trauma. As always, I think that a greater understanding of trauma, and discussion around the experience of our children, is helpful to how we can parent in a more conscious and thoughtful way.
I see so many parents worrying about traumatizing their children, worrying about their own trauma, fearing the pervasiveness of trauma in our society. Clearly, many among us use trauma in the wrong way (Dr. Maté says we are promiscuous in our use of the word). When we don’t achieve a certain outcome on a test, we are disappointed. When we have a fight with someone we love, we are upset. When we have a bad day full of mishaps, we are frustrated. None of these routine moments fits the definition of trauma.
So, what does? Dr. Maté shares a beautiful definition based on the Greek stem of the word, meaning wound.
“Trauma is a psychological wound that hasn't healed. And to the extent that it hasn't healed, it limits constricts, governs, drives, distorts your perceptions of the world, how you feel about yourself, how you interact with other people, the habits you have, the decisions you make.”
He goes on to say,
“If the wound is touched, it hurts. And that's when you're ‘triggered’. And like any wound, you develop scar tissue. Scar tissue is hard and thick, and it doesn't have nerve endings in it. It doesn't feel it, it's not flexible, it's very rigid and it doesn't grow. So traumatized people tend to be oversensitive to certain triggers, but on the other hand, tend not to feel their emotions authentically.”
I love this definition because of how well it captures the raw, deep and festering quality of trauma. The way it emphasizes how buried trauma can be in our bodies, in our subconscious, and the ways in which it can appear and surprise us. How our trauma shows up for each of us varies greatly. It can drive us, paralyze us, or even collapse us. As we reference in our discussion, it ranges from extreme shame, guilt and self-loathing, to grandiosity and showmanship - but either way represents a distorted view of the world and our place in it.
From our relationships, to our mental and physical health, we are all learning about how much trauma impacts not only who we become, but how we parent our children, and their experience in the world. Some children, those who are more sensitive in their nature, in their BIOLOGY, experience the world with a greater propensity for wound. Dr. Maté uses the imagery of a bare shoulder with a wound on the surface. With skin so thin that any touch is perceived as pain, with nerves close to the surface and vulnerable. That child may perceive the same external stimuli in a completely different way based on their sensitivity. What may not even register as a touch on someone else’s shoulder, can cause extreme distress for this more sensitive being, for this orchid. And this is not because of a weakness, or because that child has a worse personality. It’s just a nervous system that's different. Perhaps this view of sensitive children can help us to understand their experience more, and stop trying quite as hard to change them.
I’d love to hear what you think about this episode, and how this conversation resonates with you. Drop me a comment, send an email, or share this with someone in your life.
Warmly,
Such an important topic!
So I lost my mother to cancer at age 15. I just recently defined that loss as trauma. So, as you can imagine I have been trying to heal but worry - know I have likely failed at parenting as a result. I am grateful for this discussion...it resonates.