5 Ways To Stay Friends When You Have Different Parenting Styles

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Dear Dr. Aliza, I don’t know what to do this summer about traveling with my sister and with our friends. They parent so differently than we do, and their kids stress me out. I used to love spending time with our friends at the beach when the kids were babies, or with my sister and her family on vacation, but now I dread it. As the kids have gotten older (from 8-12), I feel like it is getting worse and worse. From using their phones at the table, to frequent tantrums and yelling, late bedtimes, and junk food,  I feel like nothing that happens is setting a good example for my kids. But they also LOVE their time with cousins, and obviously we can’t avoid them forever. How much will this time spent with different rules (or none!) or with very dysregulated kids impact them when Summer is over? Help! - Jenny

Hi, I know this happens a lot! Sometimes the people we love have very different parenting styles than we do. Often the differences become more noticeable as our children age, so I can also understand why this is also getting harder for you as your kids grow. This does not have to ruin your relationship or end your vacations. It’s a great opportunity to remind yourself of what really matters to you, that we cannot control other people, and that our kids will benefit from experiencing a range of safe challenges (including interacting with people that are completely different from themselves).

Here are my top 5 tips to make it more tolerable: 

1. Remember that we all have different temperaments - or ways of seeing and experiencing the world. That means that what feels safe and comfortable to some of us, feels extremely scary and uncomfortable to others. Your friends or sister may be living in a way that works for their own temperament, and for the relationship they want to have with their families, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good to you. There isn’t a “good” or “bad,” but certainly we are all wired to have our preferences and our own recipes for success.

2. That brings me to point number 2, parenting around others is HARD. We often feel so much pressure to “get along,” that it can be awkward when you feel judged or different than those around you. Maybe it is the small jabs around your strict bedtime, or the passive aggressive comments like, “your aunt doesn’t like phones, so let’s put them away.” One way to get through this discomfort is to communicate about it. Are there priorities you have that you could discuss with your children and/or your travel buddies in advance? Could you explain to your kids that though it may be hard to watch their cousins on screens, you’d like them to stick with the family rules? OR, could you ask your sister or friend to leave the phones at home when you’re out for dinner so that ALL of the children could practice live conversation and interaction? Sometimes small conversations like these can take the frustration and anxiety out of these loaded moments.

3. Next, let’s remember that our children are highly adaptable and that they can learn that different circumstances bring different rules. That saying, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do” characterizes this ability we have as humans to take on a persona or behaviors in different contexts. Maybe you can give in on some of the rules you don’t feel like fighting about - for example, the junk food or later bedtime - if it means less fighting or stress on your end. Once you’ve made peace with it (easier said than done, I know), talk about it with your kids. Maybe you say something like, “On this vacation, it’s OK with us that you are going to be going to bed later than usual. You also may be able to eat more sugar, or have more junk food. That’s OK since it is vacation, and we are making the rules different.” Now you have set the stage for your children to explore (and enjoy) new rules in a new setting. AND, vacation ends eventually, and your children will be able to go back to your routine when you’re at home. This increases your child’s flexibility AND proves to you that you can and will “get back on the track” when you need to.

4. When it comes to modeling behavior that you’d rather your children NOT see, remember that you can talk about it with them to help them understand where it comes from, or why it won’t work for your family. Does this sound like judging in the other room? Well, it is. Judgment doesn’t have to come in the absence of compassion. We are always making judgments, we just need to figure out which ones are there to help our kids have a sense of our values. These conversations can benefit your child and help them build perspective taking skills that they need to understand others. Try something like this, “You may have noticed your cousins cry a lot when they want something and sometimes it can derail the whole day. How are you feeling about it?” After your child has shared their thoughts on this, you can add, “I think that it gets a lot of attention when they melt down, so it keeps happening. It can be so hard to find words when you’re upset or find another way to say what you need. This is something you have worked really hard on and I appreciate that. It looks like your cousins are struggling to figure out other ways to communicate.” In this way, you are building up your child's observation of their own regulation, helping them to see why copying others isn’t going to be a successful strategy in your family, and also giving space for them to have compassion for their cousins. 

5. Finally, resist the urge to offer parenting “advice” or thoughts. Trust me, I would not offer unsolicited parenting advice even though it is my job. It’s not worth it and can corrode your relationship. Giving unsolicited advice does not usually go well, and anything you end up discussing is likely to backfire. For example, if you get drawn into a comment like, “How do you get your children to listen?” you’re likely to end up in a place you don’t want to be. Instead, you can say something like, “It’s so hard! Today was just a good day.” This will make the other parents feel less defensive, and is likely to help for future interactions. Remember that they are observing you and your family, too, and are learning from what they see and experience as well.

This stuff is tricky, and summer can be an extra complicated time. Keep the questions coming!