5 Tips to Help Support Digital Health

An alternative to threats and punishment?

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Though we know that achievement culture can do more harm than good, when it comes to kids' overall mental health and wellness, many parents are doubling down on their fears around college admissions, and tying them to children’s behaviors online.

Threatening our children about college admissions, as it relates to digital mistakes, is an easy but ineffective way of managing mistakes. First off, there isn’t any evidence that colleges are judging 7th and 8th graders on their Middle School mistakes! Second of all, learning and growing from mistakes IS the work of childhood. Without positive messages to inspire behavior, many of our children are left on their own to fear doing the worst. So, where is the balance in helping our children navigate devices AND have the independence they need to learn important lessons?

Here are 5 tips from my latest episode with Devorah Heitner, author of the new book, Growing Up in Public.

1. Express your real concerns (in other words, don’t hide behind college)

   If you’re worried that your child is in danger of being misunderstood online, or making choices that may have long-lasting implications, be honest about those worries!! You can say something like, “I’m concerned other parents may see this and have the wrong impression of you,” or, “I think pictures like that could be taken out of context and accidentally make people feel differently about you.” Talk to your child about what it is to be misunderstood, or have your content misrepresented, and how they may want to think of a wider audience viewing when they are creating posts. This is what Devorah calls “big privacy” vs “small privacy”. “Big privacy” may mean the algorithm learning your behaviors, or a product selling to you because you are planning a birthday party, while “small privacy” means thinking about your cousin seeing that party and not being invited, or a friend’s mom who follows your account. Helping kids to take apart the various layers of audiences can help them to do the type of checks around content that you want them to, without the threats!

2. Promote responsible behavior (instead of just avoiding trouble)

   You ultimately want your child to make good decisions because they ARE responsible, kind, and thoughtful. Not because they fear punishment. Talk about the skills your child needs to empower them to make thoughtful choices, and work on promoting those. This may mean helping them to assess the audience (like above); think about tone by reading messages out loud and acting them out; learn to take a pause before responding; improve critical thinking/reality testing skills to identify fishing; or support them in fueling other interests that promote balance. These skills - importantly taught by you in everyday ways - will result in more responsible digital behavior, not just an emphasis on not getting caught.

3. Get positive to make change (as opposed to wallowing in the reshares and outrage)

   Shared outrage is a phenomenon like few others. Online, it can feel like a million-car pile up, with constant sharing and resharing of content that is inflammatory, upsetting, and offensive. This type of group hating, even when we agree with the outrage, isn’t good for us or our children. It may also lead to a rabbit hole of negative content they can find themselves lost in. Instead, focus on getting active around the issues that they care about. Racist video in their school? Join a diversity group and work to advocate for change in the community. Classmate caught cheating? Work to revise the honor code or create more incentives for students to report cheating safely and anonymously. Turn outrage into positive action to help others.

4. Feed their souls (with sleep, balance, and support)

   We’ve all seen the research around screen time. One of the ways research identifies potential harm from exposure to screens is to look at what our children are not doing while they use devices. Helping to prioritize balance, sleep, healthy nutrition and other interests is one way we combat negative impacts on our children. If things feel out of whack in your home, make sure you’re returning to the basics around sleep - one of the most important indicators around both mood and development (plus academic learning), that exists. Help your child to have regular bedtimes and wake times, a screen-free environment in their room, and regular, nutritious meals. In addition, talk to them about how they can find balance through other activities they love - whether sports, arts, clubs, or other. Help them to schedule hours to do something else outside of social media that helps them find joy.

5. Promote interactions (instead of electronic surveillance)

   Older children these days are lacking experience in some of the tools we once relied on to navigate the world. Becoming a responsible and independent adult means having enough practice being independent while they are young. Relying on tracking, hypervigilance, and technology may mean our children are incapable of doing simple tasks like asking for directions when they are lost! Or making decisions around what to do, or where to go, when appropriate. Covert surveillance can undermine the trust between parents and children, and stifle their ability to learn problem solving on the go. It may also impact our children’s own curiosity - for example, asking the librarian for a book instead of looking it up on their phone, or actually going to the art museum instead of staring at pictures online. Try asking your children to create a Plan B when Plan A isn’t working. While they can always come to you (or another trusted adult), forcing them to think through this “what comes next” thinking can promote interactions that will benefit them in the long run.

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