5 Mistakes I Made This Week

And Why I Can Let Them Go

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Photo by Sarah Kilian on Unsplash

At the risk of beating a dead horse (apologies for the ugly metaphor) being a “good” or even exceptional parent requires imperfection. If our children think we are perfect, it can be a BURDEN to them. To imagine your most important adult is flawless may give you the impression that you are supposed to be flawless. Blech. For this reason, I am going to list 5 mistakes I made (and know that I will probably continue to make) and how (just when I feel crappy about it) I am going to remind myself that I am modeling for my kids that I know how to royally screw up, forgive myself, hold myself accountable, and try again the next time.  

Here are 5 Mistakes I Made this Week: 

1. Lost My Temper

   I lost my temper TWICE - once per kid - at different times this week. I don’t mean being snippy, I mean the kind of thing that I would be mortified for anyone to overhear. Just because we are adults, does NOT mean our self-regulation is perfect. We all lose our temper at times. Regulating our own emotions - especially the rage that our children can bring out in us - is hard work. Finding ways to regulate ourselves is part of our practice. Considering REGULATION is one of the 5 Principles in The Five Principles of Parenting, figuring out how to decompress and have access to regulation is essential in order to show up for our children. We have to fill our own tanks to be available for them, to put our own oxygen mask on first. Losing our temper is also an opportunity for one of the other principles, REPAIR. When we lose our temper, it’s important to acknowledge it with our children, and let them know that we, too, are a work in progress. I mean, I definitely had to say something along the lines of, “I regret yelling at you when I was angry, I was wrong. I know it did not feel good for either of us. Let me know if you want to talk about anything now that my head is screwed back on. I love you.” Let’s also remember that losing our temper does not mean that we have failed our children, or that they feel unsafe. In fact, the most heartening thing about being a bit unhinged this week was that I got a giant reminder that I can walk the walk. I lost my sh–t (imperfect moments ✔), my RELATIONSHIP is strong enough that my kids did not dissolve into terrified, unsafe states (✔), and I REGULATED (✔) and was able to make REPAIRS (including with myself ✔). Yay, mistake number 1!

2. Overpraising

   In an effort to express our undying love for our child or children, many of us have been guilty of overpraising. “You’re the most beautiful child in the world,” “No one is nearly as good as you,” or “You are a genius!” These phrases roll off our tongue subconsciously, and often without warning. This week, I caught myself mouthing excessive praise while feeling super mesmerized over dinner. Like I knew not to say it, but I had to let it out. While non-specific, over the top, and potentially empty sounding praise isn’t great, it also isn’t the end of the world. Each one of our children is likely the most amazing child or children we’ve ever known, and OF COURSE we are going to go a little over the top at times. What matters here is balance. Ideally, we don’t raise praise junkies or try to fill our kids up with the kind of praise that actually inspires feelings of unworthiness (like a worry that you cannot possibly live up to this god-like admiration), but instead, occasionally get a little over the top! More often than not, healthier praise is typically about being specific (“I love watching you support a friend” instead of, “You’re nice”), praising effort over outcome (“You are working so hard to figure this out” instead of, “You’re the best”), and praising your child for things that are actually in their control vs genetically endowed (“You put together such a chic outfit,” instead of, “You’re stunning”).

3. Told A Lie

   I don’t even want to admit this one. I was horrified by myself. Let’s say that someone quite elderly (and not my blood relative) was talking to my daughter, and I told my daughter to say that I was not there to avoid having to talk to said person. GULP. I was called out for this hypocrisy immediately. I am not proud. From little white lies to boldface tales, lots of us have lied to, or in front of, our children at some point. Feeling crappy about it? Let that go. Instead, use the discovery of a lie you’ve told as an opportunity to talk to your child about why we lie. By explaining our very human fears - hurting someone’s feelings, being embarrassed, feeling vulnerable, being scared - and the reasons behind the lies we’ve told, we can help our children to understand their own attempts at lying. It is often said that “the cover up is worse than the crime.” Instead of digging deeper into a lie, help your child to understand the impulse to lie, the courage to face the truth, and your own work to do better next time. Note: at some point we will go over what are considered adaptive, pro-social lies, but that’s for another day (and another example!). 

4. Interfered

   In the service of protecting privacy, I will just say that I intervened to avoid witnessing a struggle. The urge to pave our children’s path is STRONG. Interfering in our children’s lives sometimes feels like our obligation as parents, like the easiest way to show love and devotion. Wanting to spare our children from pain, from hardship, from struggle, we often act on their behalf. It’s natural for all of us to want to share our wisdom, the lessons we’ve learned, and to spare our children from failure. But whenever you feel the urge, remind yourself that “jumping in” is only a bandaid. When we do so, not only do our children lose out on the reasonable experiences they need to build resilience, they also receive the unspoken message that we don’t believe in their capacity to manage the challenge themselves. We cannot “fix” things for our children. Instead, we have to do the hard work of supporting them to learn solutions for themselves. We know that fixing actually decreases their capacity to grow into robust adults, who believe they are capable of navigating the hard stuff. This means listening (instead of talking), making space for their feelings (even the hard ones) without trying to fix them, helping when needed (not automatically, and needed vs wanted is the notable point), and projecting trust in their ability to problem solve (even when we are nervous, and even when they might fail).

5. Gave bad advice

   Again, I won’t say what the bad advice was, but I for sure watched myself give advice that was so very wrong. When our children ask for our advice it is HARD to get it right. We can’t understand the social dynamics at play, the intricacies of our child’s relationships, how others will react or respond to them, or every possible event that will transpire in the world. We can give our best advice - and watch it all go wrong. Will we get blamed? Yes. Will it stink to hear them scream, “It’s all your fault”? Yes. Will we feel shame, regret and like a complete failure? Yes. In these moments, it’s time for the real self-care (not a manicure). We are not responsible for everything!! We can only act with our best intentions, lead with love and forgiveness, and cross our fingers and hope for the best. Part of our child’s journey involves getting some really bad advice from their parents. If you’re not messing up regularly, you are cheating your child out of all of the many lessons we all learned from our parents, including what we should never do or say (and then of course do and say later when we become parents).

Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. To grow. To forgive. This week, let’s work on accepting ours while teaching our kids to accept their own. In this very hard world, we could all use the reminder that mistakes are survivable and necessary.

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.