5 Key Takeaways About Technology
Answering Listener Questions
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack. Please consider a paid subscription to support this work and get access to my invite only Ask Me Anything Parent Group at the end of every month. Paid subscribers will also get a preview of my new book, and the chance to participate in a book club in the Fall. Founding members on Substack also receive a private 1:1 consultation with me, where we can focus on any of the issues that matter most to you.
In my latest episode, I’m answering listener questions on technology. For these tricky issues, I enlisted the help of Screenwise and upcoming Growing Up In Public author, and fellow Substack writer, Dr. Devorah Heitner!
Here are 5 key takeaways from our conversation.
Approach with Curiosity
When it comes to technology and an ever evolving world, this language is not our native tongue. There is plenty we don’t understand, and we have as much to learn as any of our children. Yet, this topic has become LOADED for parents across all ages, and there is so much judgment in all directions. While this can make it feel terrifying to express our concerns with others, communication is always beneficial.
Try asking other parents with older children about what they regret/learned from their choices, from specific devices, and about the kind of access they granted in their home. Asking for advice can remove some of the judgment that people feel around this topic, and can open up opportunities for families to be honest and open about their experiences.
Ask your children to explain why they feel they need access to certain apps, games, or devices. Make space to hear them and to try and see their perspective on the situation. Your child’s social concerns are often valid (think: making social plans, and even doing school projects). Hearing them and finding solutions together is an important way to support your relationship.
Consider Scaffolded Access
In development, we always talk about the importance of breaking tasks into pieces for our children. By helping them to tackle challenges step by step, we can help them to succeed. With technology, this may mean bending some of your rules, without breaking them. Ask yourself, would you be ok with giving your child limited access to something they want?
Consider exploring apps or games on your phone in order to give your child more secure access. By doing this, you may be able to meet some of their “needs,” without having to compromise your own concerns.
Remember your role in teaching your children how to navigate these tricky waters. Sit together to review texts, usage, or posts. Offer suggestions for them to gradually work on, instead of bulldozing them with what you know or think.
Role-play scenarios before your child confronts them. Talk through “what-ifs” and how they may handle some of the challenges you know are coming (think: exclusion, mean behavior, inappropriate content, etc).
Model Consent and Your Own Healthy Behavior
This one is hard. I remember my oldest daughter building a lego cell phone when she was 3! That was a moment of reflection on my own habits. Hard as it may be, we need to consider how our own social media presence impacts our children. If you’ve been posting nudes of them since the delivery room, you may want to consider a new approach.
Ask your children for permission to post content both of, and about, them. This includes sharing personal stories about their tantrums, struggles, diagnoses, or even your own hardships and joys in parenting them. Remember that these are their stories, moments, and experiences, as much as they are yours.
Find ways to build your village and community without sacrificing your child’s privacy. Joining an affinity group online and wanting to vent about your parenting journey is normal, but as mentioned above, can also put your children in a difficult position as they age. Instead, find ways to share your feelings in person or without identifiers online. Even though it is never truly private, it can help your child to feel less exposed in public.
Don’t Try to Control Others
It is important for all of us to remember that we cannot control what others do, or the rules and norms of a different family. Each of us are so different, and our decisions MUST be based on our individual needs. Whenever we try to ask others to enforce limits that are unique to us, we are not only overestimating our own control, but are likely overlooking the value in having our children interact with different experiences and families.
If a situation feels truly unsafe (for example, your child has inappropriate supervision or has had a negative experience with screens at another home before), host the playdate or sleepover at your house. This way you can control the situation on your own turf, and not make judgements or expectations of the other parents.
Communicate. If you feel like small accommodations could be made to help your child be more successful - for example, letting a parent know that your child may not be ready for horror movies, and to causally try and influence the kids to choose something more mild - let another parent know.
Build your child’s ability to make decisions and exercise judgment on their own. Talk to them about how different families have different rules, and work together to figure out solutions to some of the concerns you may have. Express confidence in their ability to manage and adjust to a different household.
Take a breath. Remind yourself that eating a little more sugar, or playing a shooter game for an hour or two, isn’t likely to undue the years of parenting you’ve done, or your relationship with your child. While every moment can feel precious, give yourself space to acknowledge that it may be more about your difficulty in letting go of control, than about what is good (or harmful) for your child.
Get Involved
Monitoring your child’s activity does not have to be a super secret spy mission, or your full time job. (NOTE: If your child is making poor choices each and every day, it may actually be a sign that they aren’t ready for the device or access). Think of your role as getting involved and interested in your child’s digital life, helping them to be successful online (for example, explaining to them how their text may be interpreted), and adding advice and value to hard moments.
Be honest about what you see and monitor online. If your child doesn’t know that you are there, you can’t play the type of mentoring role you want. Secrecy also means that you’re waiting for your child to mess up to get involved vs. being able to weigh-in on opportunities to grow along the way.
Be open to being your child’s plan B. This means that you can offer a fun replacement to moments where your child is feeling excluded, or isn’t connecting with their friends. Finding new ways to connect - even as a second choice - is important to building your relationship long term.
Getting involved isn’t just advice for you. Help your child to get involved in the community, in extracurricular activities, and in household responsibilities. Remember that the “likes” online - even a LOT of them - aren’t going to give them what they need to thrive.
Loved talking with you and answering these great questions!