5 Conversations to Have With Your Middle Schooler

...and 5 Ways to Make Conversations Easier

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Do you find yourself avoiding conversations about certain topics because (gratefully) they have not come up?  Do you ever get blindsided by an unexpected question from your child about one of the topics you’ve carefully been avoiding? We are wired to keep ourselves feeling safe and comfortable so it’s hard to bring up tricky topics when it feels unnecessary. Plus, Middle School can bring up our own social anxiety. It is so hard to separate our experience from that of our child’s, and we bring all of the angst and hurt from our past into conversations about our child’s present. On the podcast this week, I am talking about all things Middle School with renowned author, school counselor, and parenting expert, Phyllis Fagell.

“There's plenty of research showing that kids have a gentler experience when we set aside our own anxiety and help them get a little bit excited for the phase.” - Phyllis Fagell 

Conversations on big topics are best done over time, in fits and spurts, and in the hidden moments stolen in the day. Below are some topics to start sprinkling into the rotation, and while all children want information, not everyone is going to be ready to hear it all at once. Adjust these conversations to your child’s temperament and make sure they feel supportive, not punitive.

“With middle schoolers, if we're lecturing them or telling them what to do, all they're going to do is try to prove us wrong. But we can be really good social anthropologists and help them ask the right questions.” Phyllis Fagell

Here are 5 conversations to bring up with your middle schoolers this year. 

1. Pressure

Whether it is from you, school, friends, social media, or the larger world, as children develop they tend to feel more pressure to perform. Suddenly (and sometimes without warning), the stakes get higher, the kid gloves are off, and the expectations feel burdensome. Talking to your children about pressure and ways to manage expectations for themselves and others, can help children to prepare for, and communicate around, whatever challenges they are facing. Make sure to work together to talk about strengths and challenges for the upcoming year, and build-in ways to make sure your child gets the breaks and recovery they need to handle emerging stressors. Help them to set healthy boundaries that feel authentic (and kind) to them, and encourage them to take care of their own needs, too. Remind them that boundaries are about how they respond to others, and not about controlling other people. 

“With teenagers and adults alike, the skill of being able to set boundaries and still remain kind and compassionate, is a path to emotional success.” - Dr. Aliza Pressman

2. Safety

Middle school can bring new independence and freedom alongside new safety concerns. Talk to your child about safety protocols - the who, what and where to go if they need help - and go through safety-based scenarios together (getting lost, forgetting your phone, being approached by a stranger, etc.). Sometimes the most explicit information is the stuff that can trip your middle schooler up (like explaining the benefits of getting help from an adult vs another middle schooler!). If you don’t already have one, create a code word for your child so they can let you know if they are in trouble, or want out of a situation but are too embarrassed in front of friends. Let your child know that if they use that word, you’ll come get them right away, no questions asked. In addition, talk to your children about device safety - including restrictions around screen time, social media or app use - and physical safety - including consent, limits, personal space and sexual activity. Keep the message clear: Their safety is always more important to you than whether or not they screwed up. 

3. Friendships

As kids develop, so do increasing complexities in friendships. Talk to your children about changes in their friendships, how and what constitutes a “good” friend, and make an effort to get to know people they spend time with. Ask them about ways they plan to solve problems and offer suggestions (if they are open to it) on ways they can solve problems on their own. Work to be a good listener (instead of just an advice giver), as they share friendship drama. Remind your children that it’s natural and normal for friendships to change overtime, and be supportive of their fluctuating interests and passions. By making small observations, like “How do you feel differently with that person than with another?” or, “I notice you can be one way with this person, but act another way with that one,” we can help our children to make connections for themselves.

“If you ask a Middle Schooler to name their best friend, only half of the kids they name are going to name them back, and 12% of sixth graders have no one name them as a friend at all. In addition, when you follow kids from seventh grade to 12th grade, only 1% of those friendships are still stable. Even though this sounds terrible to parents, it's so reassuring to kids to know they're not alone.” Phyllis Fagell

4. Growth

As school demands increase, it’s an opportunity to remind them about having a growth mindset, and being open to learning and developing new skills with time and practice. Strategize when their efforts seem fruitless and help them to know when persistence is backfiring. Help them to stay motivated and focused on progress, not perfection, and talk to them about ways you can support them as they meet new challenges. Remind them that challenges are temporary, and scaffold challenges or new experiences (Phyllis visualizes these as rungs on a ladder!) in a way that honors how hard it is for children to take chances and stretch themselves. Remember that a rung on a ladder for one kid may be 5 rungs for another as each of us has a different idea of what stretches us. 

“We want our kids to take risks, and we want them to feel safe figuring out what kind of risk is growing them, and what kind of risk might be harming them.” - Dr. Aliza Pressman

5. Puberty

When it comes to puberty, knowing and understanding what is coming has a lot of benefits (and not only for your child). Talk to your child about body awareness, puberty changes and what they should expect, being sure to take into account their temperament and comfort level. Overcome the awkwardness in order to deliver the information in a way that allows your child to ask questions, express confusion, and have the vocabulary they need to keep them safe. Reading and learning together can open up new communication avenues when you’re stuck, and create the space for your child to come to you with issues that arise.

Remember that these conversations are not meant to be “one and done.” Finding the right approach and the right time means you need to run a quick checklist before launching ahead.

Here are 5 things to consider when in conversation with Middle Schoolers:

1. Breathe. You can’t skip this part. Take a breath and make sure your insides are not swirling. This way you don’t bring your baggage to the discussion. If you can’t be calm, it won’t help towards your ultimate goal. 

2. Find the right time. Remember to check in with your child about whether or not they are up for a conversation. Try asking, “Is now a good time to chat,” vs diving in with, “We need to talk about friend groups.” 

3. Avoid overkill. Sometimes when a conversation feels like it is on a roll, you may be tempted to keep going! If you get a little of the information in, appreciate the success, allow the conversation to end, and then pick back up another time. You don’t want to be pushy, or as I have to remind myself, “Be a cat not a dog.”

4. Control your reactions. Maybe even try to be a little dispassionate (I say this while recalling that I just made a jaw dropping face at my teenagers minutes ago). Keeping your face and your responses neutral (even when it really hurts) is essential to get your child to keep talking. If they begin to worry about your ability to handle their distress, they will stop talking, and if they become anxious about what you’ll do to intervene, they will hide more of their behavior. In order to get them to keep coming to you, you have to be easy enough to talk to.

5. Stay connected. No matter what is going on with your child in school, find ways to connect as a family outside of the chaos. Simple activities like watching their favorite TV show, shooting hoops (I am trying to imagine myself more athletic when I say that) , or eating dinner together at a favorite spot during the week, can help your child to find moments of connection without intense conversation. Keep it light.

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