4 Month Old Meltdowns
The overtired meltdown can be epic
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I get SO many wonderful listener questions, and this one, well, it tugged on my heart strings. SO many of us have been where this listener is - and I wanted to make sure to offer some reassurance.
The Question: Hi there, thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it is long but I have been up all night and after listening to one million episodes of your podcast, would love your opinion. My question is about my 4 month old, Morgan’s temperament. She generally is a very easy/flexible baby. She's SO happy, rarely cries, and smiles at everyone. Friends and family are always telling me that they've never heard her cry. She is a great eater, a great sleeper, and is very "regular". But all of a sudden at a family event yesterday, there was a major incident. We had a lot of friends/family there who hadn't seen Morgan in awhile and everyone was “ooooohing” and “aaaahing” over her. She had missed her morning nap and at the time of the meltdown, it was a little past her afternoon nap, and she still hadn't fallen asleep and was exhausted. Everyone wanted to hold her, so she was getting passed around, and it seemed like every time my husband or I got her back and were about to get her to fall asleep someone else would come and beg to hold her. Well, she started hysterically crying - a cry I had never heard before and I was SO alarmed! Normally her cries are more whiny but this sounded like a screaming cry for help. Her dad and I took her upstairs to get away from everyone and couldn't get her to stop whaling for over an hour. I tried everything I could think of - pacifier which she normally loves, breastfeeding but she wouldn't latch on, etc. I ended up hysterical too because her cries were so alarming and I actually worried something was wrong since it was SO out of character for her. Over an hour later, she finally calmed down and fell asleep. I'm terrified of this happening again so I wanted to get your thoughts. Do you think it could be stranger anxiety or is she too young for that? Is there anything I can do to prevent it or anything else I could have tried or done differently? And should I think of this as part of her temperament or an isolated incident? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Thank you for reaching out. While I can imagine how hard that event was, I want to mention how developmentally appropriate this meltdown was.
The experience you described sounds EXACTLY like what we would expect from an overtired and overstimulated baby. Your baby was getting her needs met by communicating that she needed help to get her nervous system to be regulated after so much exhaustion and stimulation.
The overtired cry is like NOTHING you can imagine and is the worst thing to listen to. I SO feel your pain. It sounds like Morgan is a very easy and flexible baby, which means she likes her routine and generally sticks to it! That's a great thing, but even the easiest babies tend to be thrown off with an outlier day. I would attribute all of her behavior (the crying, rejecting the pacifier, refusing to latch, etc.) to her extreme fatigue and her amazing capacity to let you know she needs help. Once infants are overtired, they produce extra hormones (cortisol (the stress hormone), and adrenaline being 2 examples) to help them stay awake. These make it MUCH harder for them to then fall asleep, so they need lots of help getting back to a place of rest. By responding to early cues and maintaining good sleep schedules, our goal is to anticipate fatigue and try never to get to the place of overtired panic! BUT, that just isn't always possible, as life sometimes get in the way. Not to worry, you didn't do any damage to her lovely temperament or her schedule moving forward. Unfortunately, I can't say you'll never see this behavior again or hear that cry again - because she will skip naps and freak out sometimes - life happens! Rest assured that it is completely normal and just an example of our expectations being a little out of sync with her age and abilities. Whenever possible, try and remove the pressure you and your husband feel to have Morgan be so delightful in social situations, and just focus on what she is (a baby) and what is realistic for her. I know it can feel like a nice boost to have other people tell you what a wonderful and easy baby you have, so an uncharacteristic melt down can drive you to spin out. Try to remember that you only have to raise her– and not the adults that were there. They have all either been babies, or have had babies. You don’t owe them anything. Feel free to take her away from loved ones if you notice overstimulation brewing and try some calm snuggles if she needs to nap - everyone will learn to respect your decisions as parents and will not think you're being rude! If they can’t come to terms with it, ask yourself what matters more to you? We want your parenting expectations to be a "good fit" with who Morgan is right now, and to avoid you setting yourself up to feel a disconnect between the two. Sometimes we just ask too much of our kids given what their abilities are and even the most easy-going and flexible baby has to draw the line somewhere! Take heart, she will get better at managing all of the changes and "special occasions" and you will get better at not feeling like it is a reflection of who you are as a parent. It will just take time! I often feel like having some general understanding of developmental expectations can ease us and help us realize that what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening.
Regarding separation anxiety - we generally expect to see it around 6 months or so, but it is possible that Morgan is experiencing the early stages. In the coming weeks and months, we can no longer expect her to want to "go to" or be held by people she doesn't know. As she becomes more aware of what is going on and who is holding her, we may see more of this type of reaction to people other than her parents or caregiver. Again, you and her dad want to be sensitive to her feelings and fears, and should try and avoid passing her around in a social situation the same way you could just weeks ago. It's a bummer for everyone, but again, it is just a normal part of growth and development. Separation anxiety can come and go for years. In this first phase it is a developmental milestone that connects with something called object and person permanence. This is when babies realize that things that go, come back (or objects that are covered, still exist). This is the end of “out of sight out of mind” kind of experiences, now they know you left and they want you to come back. Those milestones, which take place between 6-9 months– are really wonderful and exciting but they do tend to lead to more tears!
Keep the questions coming, I’m excited to hear from this community.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.