10 Ways to Prevent Entitlement and Cultivate Gratitude
Thanksgiving is here
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Feeling like your child is entitled? Worrying that it just keeps getting worse? I hear you. ‘Tis the season for gratitude, and a reminder on how to do it is desperately needed for all of us.
No matter how much you may want to, you can't force a kid to feel grateful. You can't force a kid to feel empathy. In fact, you can't force a kid to feel anything. What you CAN do is teach your children the skills they need, and the behaviors that promote gratitude. Practicing this early and often helps these skills and behaviors to get baked into your family system, and build a model for what it means to show up for others.
Hunt for gratitude.
Once a day, no matter what the mood, no matter what miserable or happy thing is happening, hunt for something good. Find a flower to smell on the way to school. Find a song you love on the radio. Notice the person in the coffee shop who gets your order just right. Model this for your kids, and then enlist them to participate. You can also try the Rose/Bud/Thorn exercise at the dinner table. Have each family member find a "rose" (something good), a "bud" (something to look forward to), and a "thorn" (a challenge) from their day. Normalize the discussion to a range of experiences AND noticing the good around us.
Take your kids out of the center.
Delight in your child. Let your face light up when you see them. Share moments of real connection where the love in your eyes could light up the night sky, but avoid making them the center of the world, in every way. This does not mean that you are not dropping everything for your child. It means you are not dropping everything for your child when you don’t need to. For example, you're in an adult conversation (remember those?); you don’t need to stop everything every time your child wants to say something. Your child wants you to come home early. You can stay at dinner with your friends and finish your meal. OF COURSE, our children need to know that you will show up for them if it is urgent, but it is survivable for them to also understand that they are not the center of the entire world. If it’s between a soccer game and you needing to do something for yourself, once in a while, that is OK. Remember, too, that it is a lot of pressure to be the center of someone’s universe. Your child may worry about getting their own life one day, or being able to leave you or disappoint you with their own social lives. It also means your child may make the assumption that they should be the center of the universe forever and for everyone. This leads to a lot of disappointment for the future.
Skip a game.
Find something else to do and miss a game. I know, I know, I feel your panic. Go to the games you can with gusto, but find some times when you just can’t show up. Don’t apologize excessively, don’t “make it up” to your child, think of helping your child gain the experience of performing for their own pleasure and not for your praise or attention, or for an audience.
Bring on the chores.
There are so many evidence-based reasons to start chores. And as a bonus, it is incredibly helpful around the house. Chores can start as early as three years old, and even be fun for young kids to take on. And they can be started at any age for those of you out there with older ones. They can complain, they can say they are too busy, AND they can learn to contribute to the household. Think about chores like doing the dishes, making their beds in the morning, washing the table, or taking out the trash. Kids who grow up having chores grow up to be happier people, and they definitely have a much lower risk of being entitled. Knowing that they're expected to contribute to the community of their household, it makes them more likely to contribute to the larger community. There are even studies showing that preschoolers who simply push their chair into the table after they get up, do better academically later on. It isn’t about doing the chore perfectly (as I have said before, no re-doing allowed or you defeat the point!), but about becoming a contributor.
Change how you respond to rudeness.
There comes a point in every parent's life when their adorable child says their first rude comment back, or has their first eye roll. And while it feels truly awful the first time, it can just get bigger and bigger. By the time you have teenagers, being rude is sort of part of the game. Now, rudeness is developmentally appropriate. I am not denying that it's not going to happen, or that it is not part of the process, but I am telling you that how you respond to it sets the tone for your kids. First of all, don’t take rudeness personally. You don't have the time or energy for that, nor does your relationship. Take a breath (yet again) and respond to it in a way that helps your child understand that they cannot move through the world thinking that that's okay. Try saying something like, “Hey, I want to help you out. I want you to say that again in a different way so I can respond.” For younger kids, you can also suggest a do-over, “Should we have a do over on how you asked that? Let's do a do over. Let’s pretend to ask like a puppy, and then a lion, and then a very sweet superhero.” Will this extinguish rudeness overnight? No. Will this help set expectations for your child about how to treat others? Yup.
Set clear expectations.
This example is very personal for me since we do lots of carpooling. Set expectations about how your child behaves when another adult/parent gives them a ride. Saying thank you, cleaning up their trash in the backseat, taking the time to answer questions or acknowledge the conversation, are just a few examples. Try saying something like, “I expect that when there is some food in the backseat, and a person giving you a ride, that you would take the time to take it out, bring it to the trash and say, ‘Thank you so much for the ride.’ This seems very small, but these are the things that I expect of you because it shows people appreciation. And we know that when we appreciate people, we are more likely to feel good about the experience, and they are more likely to feel good about that interaction.” Prepare yourself for the praise of other parents! This same approach works for other situations, too. Outline what appreciation looks like, and hold a high standard for how they treat others in their lives.
Make gift giving fun.
Help your child get excited about the process of thinking about a really special present for their sibling and for other members of the family. Instead of creating a long holiday list and checking the boxes, I want you to enlist your kids. I want them to have the beautiful feeling of doing something nice for someone else. Encourage them to pick out great gifts that the recipient would really enjoy. This requires perspective taking, and being able to think through the passions of others. Take them shopping or explore less expensive sites online to use their own money, and let their creativity go. This includes wrapping the present, writing a card. By doing this, they will not only get more joy in giving gifts, but they also start to experience the world in a way where they don’t feel entitled to receive gifts, but instead enjoy thinking about what somebody might want and participate.
Name something kind someone else did for you.
This is something that I got from Adam Grant, who started asking his kids “What did someone else do that was kind for you today?” This simple question that you can ask daily or weekly, helps your child notice all the kind things that people do for them, and how good it feels to know that they are cared for. This “noticing” makes them more inclined to appreciate other people and to feel like they want to do that for someone else.
Thank you notes.
Beyond just understanding the privilege in getting and receiving gifts, kids can show entitlement in not thanking, or truly appreciating, the givers. So, have kids as young as 3 begin to contribute to thank you cards. These can be drawings, videos, or a dictated message that you help write. Over time, your kids are the ones who take the lead. It takes time, it's an activity, and kids get busy. But really taking the time to appreciate and share how a gift is being appreciated by someone else, and to name specifically why that felt so good to receive that gift, is incredibly important. This can even be expanded to writing thank you notes for people who support you in the community. The UPS workers that deliver packages, the mailman, anyone that you rely on in a way that deserves recognition and appreciation. Model this for your children, and let them see how you show appreciation, too.
Cultivate empathy and perspective taking.
Whether you're reading a book and wondering about how the other character feels, or you ask your child “what do you think that child is feeling” on the playground, perspective taking helps your child to cultivate empathy. Understanding the thoughts and feelings of others - siblings included - helps prevent our children from becoming entitled. A kid who can empathize is a kid who doesn’t walk through the world entitled because they recognize the sheer privilege of not being in the shoes of someone who's having a worse experience.
I couldn’t resist one more…Delay gratification.
Make sure that your kids wait every day, in the smallest ways. In this world that is so instant, so impatient, so demanding, we need to help our kids experience delayed gratification. Tell your kids when they will get something and help them through the feelings of waiting for it. And I'm not just talking about presents, I'm talking about when dinner is going to be served. I'm talking about when they need your answer to a question, but you have something else that you're busy doing so you can't get to them right away. Our children need to know that everything does not happen exactly when our kids want it to happen, or on their timeline, because they are not the center. Though they are one of the most centered people in your life, we are working in family systems and are not alone. Delayed gratification helps us move through the world not expecting everything to happen when we want it to, or on our terms.
This holiday season, as we sit down to our Thanksgiving tables, let’s work to see the good in our own kiddos (and extended family) and show our own appreciation. Let’s resolve to keep that feeling throughout the year. To keep the warm sense of gratitude, the joy of gift giving, and delight in each other that we know we all need. I’m starting that off with gratitude to all of you - my listeners and readers - for your support this past year. For buying my book (and taking the time to read it), for listening, subscribing, even writing a comment. I appreciate you all, and I know I am not entitled, but instead humbled, by the support you’ve all shown me.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
Thank you Aliza for these reminders!