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Despite the fact that we know play is important, many parents still struggle to understand why play truly matters for development. While working to teach our children, and focusing on skill building, many of us forget that play itself has an evolutionary purpose.
We forget how to let our kids play partly because of concerns about danger, but also because we are always trying to curate experiences that give them more skills. What we don’t always give play credit for is that it does develop so many skills, like executive function skills and interpersonal skills. -Dr. Aliza Pressman
This week’s episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast, features Professor Peter Gray, author of the Substack, Play Makes Us Human. Dr. Gray’s work focuses on the natural ways of learning, and life-long value of play, and his explanation around some of the characteristics of play can help answer this question.
What is play?
According to Dr. Gray, play has 5 defined characteristics
Play is self-chosen and self-directed.
This one may seem obvious, but play is NOT something directed by an adult or authority figure. Play is a choice made between playmates, where the agenda, the rules, the setting, and the activities are decided by those engaging in the play. Central to this is the idea that children can always quit, or walk away from, play when they want to.
Play is intrinsically motivated.
We don’t play for grades, for recognition, or for reward. While it may not always bring us joy (play can also be hard), play is something children want to do. This is evidenced by the fact that children often persist in playing even when they get in trouble for it!
Play is always structured.
No matter what it may look like, play is structured by the players themselves. It is not random. The “rules” may be invisible to the outsider, but the players within a game understand the guidelines and boundaries operating at any time.
Play is always creative.
Play is characterized by imagination, by exploration, and by an ability to step outside of the world to an alternate reality. Research shows that play allows children to work on inhibitory control, perspective taking, and problem solving skills all while pretending to be somewhere or someone else.
Play is always active.
Psychologist Lev Vygotsky defined a “state of flow” during which children are most active in learning. This is widely recognized as the ideal state for learning new things, thinking creatively, and for solving problems. During play, children are engaged mentally and physically in this “flow,” and are removed from the judgment of others.
So what explains roughhousing (also known as rough and tumble play)?
As a mother of two girls, roughhousing is not something I am super familiar with. It just isn’t the language that the 3 of us usually use in relation to each other! But rough and tumble play exists across all mammals. In our discussion, Dr. Gray makes some great points around the evolutionary reasons behind rough and tumble play that help explain this phenomenon.
It is more common among males.
The research shows that even though females do engage in rough and tumble play, it is more common among men. Researchers hypothesize that this is in order to teach males how to share space and exist alongside each other in nature, AND a way that males show closeness and connection (think of it as a male hug).
It is the opposite of a real fight.
Though it may look aggressive, roughhousing is not about aggression. Unlike
a fight that you are trying to win, or an opponent that you are trying to beat, rough and tumble play is about trying to have fun, and encouraging your opponent to keep playing. This is evidenced by the fact that the stronger party engaging in rough play usually handicaps themselves in order to keep it going, and participants are likely to intentionally put themselves in vulnerable positions to signal openness to others.
As a final thought, one of my favorite parts of this interview was the permission to get out of the way of our children’s play. Instead of feeling like one more thing for parents to do, Dr. Gray emphasizes finding ways to exit your child’s play and let them be with other children. This means rethinking the monitoring and structure on a playdate, finding new opportunities for play in your neighborhoods, and granting yourself permission to step away from the role of referee! And when you do play together, Dr. Gray recommends finding ways to truly have fun, not letting your children win, and resisting the urge to take over.
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Thank you for this post! I love the advocacy for play here. I also just wanted to mention my thoughts on gender. Whenever we talk about this concept, it can be important to acknowledge the messages that we are sent as young children. In reading your article, I feel like there is a wonderful opportunity to expand further upon the connection between gender and rough housing. Girls are often allowed to hug and show physical affection in loving ways, while boys can be shamed for this behavior, leaving only rough housing as a socially acceptable form of physical touch. While rough housing for everyone certainly has its value, it might perpetuate unhealthy messages to state "it is more common among males" without examining the reasons behind gender segregation. I've found bell hooks to be an incredible resource for diving deeper into gender roles. Likewise, I always think back to this article whenever gender roles are referenced on an evolutionary level: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2023/07/01/1184749528/men-are-hunters-women-are-gatherers-that-was-the-assumption-a-new-study-upends-i