Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
This week’s episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast features Caitlin Murray, creator behind @bigtimeadulting. In her brilliant way, Caitlin captures the confusion felt by SO MANY parents when she asks “What are we supposed to be doing about feelings?”
Caitlin is putting words to what so many parents are feeling. On the one hand, they are told to validate every feeling their children are having, and on the other, they are told that too much validation and too much time spent in our children’s feelings can make them fragile. Like so many things in the field of child development, it won’t surprise you to know that the answer lies somewhere in the MIDDLE.
Two things can be true (heard that from me before?). We can honor our children’s feelings, accept them, support them, and validate them AND we can drive the bus, set healthy boundaries, and be in charge. Hearing our children’s feelings DOES NOT mean that we SOLVE them. Accepting ALL of their feelings, DOES NOT mean that we let them do whatever they want to. We can do both, and in most cases, both is the answer that feels best for our RELATIONSHIPS and our RULES (there’s a book on these R’s, here).
Many of us were raised with a more “children should be seen and not heard” approach. Our feelings were largely irrelevant to what our families did, where they wanted to go, or what happened in our homes. It isn’t that our parents didn’t care - just that they didn’t care as much. As a reaction to this, and as our understanding about child development grew in the field (and thanks to some paradigm shifting work by colleagues Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson) we swung away from this hands off approach, and into a more sensitive and responsive parenting style. Somehow, and especially in the last 5-10 years, the “gentle parenting” trend on social media drove this sensitivity - which was meant to be a balanced approach of authoritative parenting - into what feels more and more like permissive parenting territory, a place where our children’s wants are now somehow valued above our own and where every feeling seems to be a bit too precious. This permissive or “best friend” parenting - seen on many social media accounts - has led many well meaning parents to care so much about their children’s feelings, that some accidentally diminish their children’s belief in their own ability to function in the realities of the world. This self esteem trap, written about by Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath, actually backfires, and in an effort to make our children feel good, we’ve actually undermined their self-esteem.
So back to Caitlin’s question. What do we do about feelings? Here is a place to start:
Share in my possibly overused phrase, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” You are not trying to stop your child from feeling a certain way, but instead helping them find an acceptable (to you, your family, our culture, others around us, etc.) way to express them.
Validate your child’s feelings ONE time. “I know this is very frustrating. You want to stay but it is time to leave.” After that, you’ve done your work to help them feel heard, and you can return to the boundaries you have in place for your family. The train keeps moving.
Teach your children alternatives to express themselves. This looks something like, “It’s OK to feel disappointed. We all feel that way sometimes. What are some ways you can get help when you feel this way? What makes it better?” From a very early age, building the skills of healthy emotional expression can help our children to handle hard emotions. We also help them to see themselves as the solution, not us.
Have confidence in YOUR choices. Just because your children don’t love whatever you’re doing, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it. Hold steady in the rules that work for you, and for your home. As I talk about in the book, Rules are an important way we show our kids love and safety.
Find opportunities for your child to work through hard moments. If we are constantly snowplowing, fixing, and interfering for our children, they don’t learn how to navigate for themselves. Let’s not be afraid of our children’s feelings - no matter what they are, FEELINGS ARE NOT DANGEROUS!
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
"Hearing our children’s feelings DOES NOT mean that we SOLVE them. Accepting ALL of their feelings, DOES NOT mean that we let them do whatever they want to." So true!