Get less annoying and build connection
Get less annoying and build connection
10 steps to help us all back off
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
Today’s advice is coming from a solo episode I did on the podcast this week. As with so many things I give advice on, I can say that I have done ALL of these annoying behaviors (and continue to) myself. So often, in an attempt to connect with our kids, we end up irritating them and actually pushing them away!
At this time, when things are so chaotic in all of our lives, I offer you 10 easy tips to having less conflict and more connection.
Greet with Delight: When you first see your child after time apart, focus on non-verbal connection. Show your happiness through your eyes and smile, rather than bombarding them with questions. From preschool to high school, we can all give our children a bit of space before we launch 10,000 questions at them! That means tabling our own agenda (our urge to ask about the issues we care about most) for at least a moment. Let them experience connection without talking - and surprise yourself by how much more they open up.
Wake Up Gently: Imagine your child waking you up with a list of things to do, endless demands, and some very loud talking (some of you may not need to imagine this). Needless to say, it’s unlikely to bring out your best side. The same is true for your kiddos. Mornings can be hectic, but try to start the day with a calm, agenda-free greeting. Try saying, “good morning,” and sitting down on the bed next to them. Or slowly starting the morning by giving them some space as they get ready. Avoid rushing them or grilling them about their schedule. This may mean that you do more the night before to plan (clothes, backpacks, snacks), and get up a little earlier yourself (apologies).
Chore Appreciation: Assign age-appropriate chores to your child, depending on their developmental age, and express appreciation for their contributions. Avoid redoing or critiquing, and instead, put your expectations out there and allow your child to rise to meet them. If they don’t happen all of the time, let it go. The nagging isn’t going to motivate them to increase their cooperation, and it will likely even backfire.
Neutral Mealtimes: Minimize nagging about food choices. At every age, being neutral about what our children eat has been shown to lead to healthier choices and habits. Instead of irritating them over and over at mealtime, try offering choices you feel good about and nutritious food when your child is most hungry. This may mean replacing traditional snack food with “real food,” or shopping/preparing different foods in your home. If you’re happy with all of the options, you’ll be less focused on each bite.
Homework Support: Do you find yourself fighting about homework everyday? That is not a battle you want for the entirety of their school career. Instead of micromanaging homework, try a gentle reminder like, “Hey, it's 6 o'clock, let me know if you need anything in order to get your work done.” You might also try to work alongside them (on your own work!) to provide company without interference and help set a focused mood. Then you and your child can grab a snack or take a quick break together (an easy incentive to get through the homework).
Empathy First: Here it comes, the big “I told you so.” When your child comes to you with a problem, especially one that you warned them about, empathize with their feelings before you try and teach a lesson. No one wants to hear what they could have done differently when they are in the midst of the storm. Instead, listen and validate. Join them however they are feeling, and from there you can provide the guidance to help for next time. Remember that experiencing natural consequences are essential to how kids learn about cause and effect.
Accept Disagreement: Don't try to convince your child that your rules are "awesome." Your child is not going to thank you for enforcing boundaries or setting age-appropriate limits for them that they can’t do for themselves. Instead of engaging in arguments around a limit that you intentionally set and believe in, try acknowledging your child's feelings and explaining your expectations calmly. Once you have done that explanation, move on. You can allow them to hold whatever reactions they have and not respond to them.
Active Listening: When your child shares their thoughts or feelings, resist the urge to interrupt. Even though you may have a brilliant piece of wisdom to share, HOLD it so that you can be a present listener. Remember, we want to listen to understand, not listen to respond.
Stay Neutral: Bite your tongue when your child is sharing - especially stories about friends. Remember that college friend whose boyfriend you hated? And how you dished with her during a breakup and bashed him ruthlessly only to witness them get back together a week later? Awkward. Let’s try and avoid history repeating itself with your kids. Stay neutral when they talk about drama with friends (or any drama at all). Focus on hearing their feelings and not rushing to judgment. Hard as it is, it will pay off.
Separate Your Emotions: When your child shares their emotions, avoid making it about you. Offer support and understanding without projecting your own experiences onto theirs. If you have a great anecdote to share, ask them first. You can say, “Something similar happened to me with a friend. Do you want to hear about it?” Be prepared for the “NO” and don’t take the rejection personally. This isn’t about you.
These 10 small tips can help you create a more positive and connected relationship, AND feel less like a nag. But it isn’t without challenges. You’re going to need to put all that frustration somewhere if you aren’t annoying your kids - and meditation can help.
What’s that? You have no time for meditation? Maybe you haven’t tried these micro meditation practices, and they are worth a shot.
Doorway Breaths: Every time you walk through a doorway or transition between activities, pause and take a deep breath. Inhale for a count of four, hold, then exhale for a count of four. Repeat a few times.
Thought Counting: Set a timer for one minute and simply count your thoughts. Don't judge them, just observe them passing by.
Heartfelt Affirmation: Place your hand on your heart and silently affirm, "More often than not, I'm the parent I want to be. More often than not, I'm the parent my child needs."
Mindful Steps: As you walk, count your steps. Try taking three steps per inhale and three steps per exhale.
Lion's Breath Release: When you need to release tension, take a deep breath in and then exhale forcefully with your mouth open wide and your tongue out, making a roaring sound. (Best done away from young children!)
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
